14 March 2009

the ides of march...

so, yesterday marked one year since this... ...and tomorrow marks 5 months since this...

I do not normally record, or even mention, the markers of how-long-it-has-been. I do sometimes mention how-long-until... But even that I try to keep to a minimum so I can focus on the present. We had a good day today. Walker's friend had a birthday party so we got to hang out there and then came home for pizza & a movie... Madagascar 2. So of course, we got to dance to "Move It, Move It" a few times...

But still. My heart noticed. My empty hands noticed. And besides, its the blasted Ides of March and everyone knows that is a date to "beware."

You know the song, "Come Thou Fount"? Its an old hymn, and currently there is a version with an updated chorus with it. I have liked that hymn for a long time, it began sometime late in college when I started appreciating the lyrics of hymns. And recently this verse has been on repeat in my head:

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. I do not have any idea what the songwriter was thinking of when he wrote this line. But I do know that throughout this deployment, the "prone to wander" is most evident when I have a complaining spirit. Its as if beginning down that path - heading in the direction of wallowing - is wandering away from the peace He promises. I don't want to wander, Lord.

When I was in Michigan in May, God dealt directly with my heart about complaining... In my routine study through this verse;

Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord, and when He heard them His anger was aroused. Then fire from the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp. Numbers 11:1

Not exactly an encouraging verse if you are in the habit of complaining, which I had been. And yet, at the time that He gave this verse to me, I knew it was a gift. Ok, let me rephrase that, I knew it was personal for me. And I thanked Him for challenging my heart even during a difficult time. Probably with different words... and some laughter.

I bring my sorrow to Him. I lament to Him even. Tonight He and I will discuss this milestone. We will chat about His faithfulness and He will comfort me. I do not want to wander. I do not want to complain. I have been blessed through this hardship, in more ways than I can list here (although many have been previously mentioned). I want to continue to welcome His blessings rather than turn from them - toward my complaints. By the power of Jesus Christ who lived and breathed and walked this earth for me, I want to honor Him. In this. In everything. Always.


  1. It's a beautiful day that the Lord has made. We are so lucky and blessed to be here and have his mercy to call upon, feel, and rejoice with. Praying for Brad, you, and the boys daily! Love you guys!

  2. I honestly thought it was going to be one tough time for all of you and yet I am so pleased to see how God has sustained you all; how He has encouraged you, cared for you and blessed you! Someday you will look back and see even more ways God has walked with you through this journey! We continue to pray for you, day and night,and hope and pray that one day we will all be able to share together in person!