29 January 2010

...processing...

...ever since we started budgeting, we rely mainly on cash. If you've seen my wallet, you've seen my envelopes. We don't use credit cards, and we only use our debit cards for gas. And since Brad is home, I hardly ever have to get gas. He keeps me squared away. And I am out of practice when it comes to swiping cards! This makes for some awkward moments when I use my Visa gift card that I got for Christmas. I know there is money on it, I am just so clumsy when using it! The thing says "DEBIT CARD" right on the front, but of course, there isn't a pin number, so I have to use it as a "CREDIT CARD." I've used it numerous times since Christmas, and yet I am still so uncertain. I mumble to the cashier in a higher-pitch-than-normal about it being a gift card. Sometimes I add a really strange giggle at the end of my mumbling. The cashier always looks unimpressed when she nods back at me. I hold the card to the machine and inevitably she has to tell me to "No, turn it the other way." Then after I swipe it I have to wait for

...processing...

...which starts me wondering if I did it right. I second-guess myself a bit and wonder if I shouldn't just get some cash out of one of my envelopes and sort it all out later; but then I would miss out on using the gift. I try to make eye-contact with the clerk to see if she can reassure me any. Its only a few seconds, but I am so relieved when its approved. And it has been each time, without any problems, but I bet the same nervous smile will reappear, while I twist my wedding band and wait the next time for

...processing...

Right now, I feel like my heart is in the processing mode. I am beginning to see clearly the ways God has prepared my heart for this time... maybe the deposits on my gift card. A verse* that He gave me to anchor my life, my husband returning safely from deployment, a lovely summer, a Bible study on the book of James, a farewell to good friends, reading two great books - Sacred Marriage and Crazy Love, a new home, a new year full of hopeful wishes... the list is longer, these are just the highlights of how He has been moving in my heart. He has been faithfully challenging me, and filling me up. And finally, I feel like my heart's gift card was swiped when the earthquake hit Haiti. And here I am

...processing...

I don't have answers as I awkwardly wait. I have shed tears for people I don't know, and mourned for children I'll never hold. I squirm, wondering if I should just figure something out, so I can avoid this awkward waiting. Perhaps I can just run with my own idea and sort it out later. But my heart knows I will miss out. In the scheme of things, I know its only a few seconds, a brief moment in time. I know the One that I am waiting for; He has proved time and again that He is faithful. So I will wait. Awkwardly, perhaps, but whole-heartedly too.

*Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody. 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

6 comments:

  1. Thanks Amanda, some days it seems as though the whole day is ....processing..., and I am not the most patient person in the world. I want to be out doing and getting things done, and yet it's not His time. Learning to wait is a hard thing to do. I still in the 90 years...(seems like it lately) that I've been alive haven't mastered the process.

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  2. Thanks for sharing...I love the parallel that you made and I love that scripture!

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  3. Mandy I can so relate to the swipe, cashiers tell me, "no, turn it the other way". I see the visual instruction, but I don't get it right. Thanks for the post, God touched my heart! Todays verse on my calendar is Isaiah 43:18-19.
    "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
    I am making a way in the desert and steams in the wasteland."

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  4. correction: I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

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  5. We just got a family from Haiti come to our school- 2 boys.
    I've heard Florida public schools system has doubled their attendance with refugees!

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