02 July 2013

the slow business of becoming unflappable

Remember that word for the year?  The one that was almost embarrassing to admit.

You might be wondering how the move from flappable to unflappable is coming along.

It is coming along.

When you ask God for a word and a focus.  He gives it.  It might not be the word or focus you would've chosen.  When you ask Him to change you.  He does it.  Not all at once though.  The thing about being a believer in Jesus is that the Holy Spirit dwells in you.

[This might sound weird to those of you that don't know Jesus... and might make you skeptical because wouldn't all of us Christians be better at this Christian-thing if we had a HOLY Spirit living in us?  I get that.  The thing is our human nature still lives there too.  While Jesus gives us victory through the power of the Holy Spirit, we still need to ask for it.  And walk in it.]

So back to the flapping and the Holy Spirit.  Oh my.  The conviction over a shout-burst.  The instant recognition of my flappable ways has been profound.  And frequent.  I still find myself face-on-the-floor often over my mothering failures.  But I find grace too.  Reminders that face-on-the-floor is not a bad place to be.  He finds me right there and gives me courage to get back up and try again.  And again.

He has also reminded me to keep my eyes on my own paper.  You know how when you get pressed with something uncomfortable, its easier to look at others and say, "well, I am doing way better than...."?  You've done this, right?

God gave me a really wonderful visual reminder to look back on throughout this flappable-to-unflappable process.  In January, Wilson was on the honor roll and there was an assembly.  Brad wasn't able to attend so it was just Franklin + Lincoln + me.  I tend to break out in a sweat when going to a school gathering with the two of them.  Toddlers + sitting still for a long time; well, that's just not really a thing.  We got there on time and were able to get seats at the end of the row where the stroller could be parked easily and out of the way.  Victory!

There was another boy a little older than the twins running all over the gym.  He was more or less ignoring his momma.  Not too unusual really.  He turned around and his t-shirt shocked me, it read, "I may be small, but I run this sh*t."  I almost took a stealth photo of it to post on FB.  You know, so everyone could weigh in on how ridiculous this was.  I could see on the looks of other parents' faces that they were not impressed either.  Pretty soon our kids that were able to read were going to walk in and see this shirt.  Classy.  So I sat there in all my judgey-glory, internally condemning this mother and her lack of reason and inability to make appropriate choices.  I imagined what some of your responses would be to the FB photo post of this little dude that was running things.

And just like that.  It hit me in the face.

How many times a day do I make an appalling-parenting-choice?  How many things happen {maybe in the privacy of my own home} that would make a room full of other parents judge my lack of reason and my inability to make appropriate choices?  I think my cheeks flushed as I realized how my flappable-ness would make great FB fodder.  I knew God was telling me to "keep my eyes on my own paper."  Quit looking for others' faults so I could clearly see my own when the Spirit pointed them out.

Instead of posting I picture of that little guy, I posted this one::

But I haven't forgotten what I learned that day.  I think of that little boy's shirt all the time.  Of him running around and the way I judged his momma.  So not my place.  I have work to do in my own home.  Who am I to judge?

P.S. I started this draft awhile back and finally found the courage to finish it off.  God is good and I can see His work in our home, in my mothering.  But, oh, He has so much more work to do here.  Thank you for cheering me on along the way!