22 July 2013

worship

Yesterday was a work day for Brad.  I still dislike that he has to work some Sundays, but when I remind myself that I went to church solo for 15 months of Sundays, it doesn't seem nearly so bad.

There was something dynamic in our worship yesterday.  Or at least it seemed like it to me.  I do adore belting out the songs at our church.  In my mind, I feel like I can sing as loudly as I want and nobody else can hear me, which allows me to sing as loudly as possible.  The lead-worshipper did say yesterday that he was tempted to hand his microphone to a guy in the front row because he was singing so loudly, so perhaps my assessment of "nobody else can hear me" is off.  I'll just keep on belting out the songs.

As I sang and we collectively poured our worship offerings before God I just felt this peace.  The kind that can't be shaken.  The kind that says no matter where we go, God is already there.  No matter what job Brad gets, God is already preparing him for it.  No matter which school district we live in, our God will be there too.  An unshakable peace.  In those peace-filled moments, my thoughts led me to some of the things I am praying for others too... that this peace would be theirs even in the middle of the circumstances they encounter.

We sang a new-to-our-church song, which has long been belted out in my car, living room, and even on my street while I run.  I awoke with it in my mind again this morning.

I had intended to type up this little post this morning, but I could not figure out how to pair the keyboard to my iPad [is that even the right way to say that?] {I don't dare turn on the desktop in the quiet hours while boys still sleep!}  I played the song on repeat instead, and as I reflected on the lyrics it turns out God had some things He needed to reveal to me first.  I was a little caught off guard by a disconnect that God pointed out to me.

You see, while we are waiting for the Army to decide how much longer Brad will be in; Brad is hustling to search out job listings and tweaking his resume.  All the while, I stand by and say "wherever!"  And if I am being honest, I am a little proud of my willingness to go wherever.  There I said it.  And that's not even the worst part.  Gah.

Here comes the disconnect.  Brad found a job posting last night.  He printed it out and brought it to me.  It is basically a job description of all of his skills.  It is almost as if the person that wrote the job description had watched Brad at work for the last seven years.  I could barely finish reading it because my jaw was hanging open.

When we figured out where it was located.  My "wherever!" attitude was nowhere to be found.  Instead, I was shocked at my first thoughts about the location.  And embarrassed.

God was not surprised.  Not even a little.  He knows my heart.  And He ever-so-gently reminds me of this often.  Today, He is calling out my "wherever!"  I can't begin to predict if Brad will get this job and we'll move to the state of Washington someday.  It doesn't even matter today if that will happen.

The important thing is that God is correcting me in a grace-filled-peace-giving way.  All I can do, is humbly ask Him to prepare my heart and continue to call me out in the places that I haven't surrendered as much as I thought I had.  I don't just want to sing of surrender and feel peace while the music plays.  I want to live it out.  I truly want my "wherever!" to be honest.  He will continue to refine my heart in this process.  There is so much work to be done, I'm so grateful that He is so faithful.

"I lay me down.  I'm not my own. I belong to you alone.  Lay me down.  Lay me down.
Oh! Hand on my heart, this much is true; there's no life apart from you.  Lay me down."

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