07 October 2014

when the things we imagined don't come true

I wrote about our upcoming move yesterday.  I titled the post "when things don't turn out the way you planned."  But really it was all about our move.  And not a lot about "when things don't turn out the way you planned."  So I want to spend a little more time there -- in that space where you imagined things would go one way, but then they didn't.

Have you been there?  Are you remembering some of those moments right now?  The moment when you realize the things you imagined weren't coming true. I have those moments too.  Some loom large and some seem tiny.  But I don't think its fair to classify the moments, to somehow disqualify some as too small.  Hurt is hurt.  No matter what you imagined, or what the moment looked like when you knew it wasn't coming true, Jesus sees it.

I don't remember who shared with me this idea of not discounting others' experiences, but it set me free in so many ways.  Not only did it make me a more compassionate friend, it also allowed me to see my own hurts and disappointments as legitimate.  Rather than try to dismiss them with a "this is nothing compared to..." I have freedom to explore those hurts.  I want to always remember to give that freedom to others too.

I spend a little time with them. I don't wallow, I don't gather a group and throw a pity party.  But I explore the sorrow a little.  I cry if I need to.  I turn it over in my mind and wonder if I somehow let my imagination run wild- was it somehow my fault that this thing did not turn out the way I wanted?  I ask a lot of questions, of myself and Jesus, and when Brad is near I talk it through with him sometimes too.  Holding the hurt, remembering what I felt in the moment, it allows me to reach out for His hand to hold.

When we lost our little itty bitty baby two summers ago, I felt a hurt more deeper than I expected.  And it hung around longer than I guessed it would.  I explored it and talked about it and asked God so much about it. I never found a place of understanding.  I couldn't say that I see why things happened the way they did.  I don't blame myself or our circumstances or our choices.  It was simply a loss that drove me deeply to my Savior's arms.  Running to them, begging for Him to hold me close, and wishing He would just come back and get us already.  I flipped through Scriptures desperately looking for answers, and kept finding Love.  He kept drawing my heart to this verse in Hebrews.  It has become so dear to me.

"This hope we have as an anchor to the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil."  Hebrews 6:19 NASB

So often, in those places of hurt if we are willing to be OK in the discomfort of sorrow, we find Hope.  I don't know how it happens.  I just know it does.  If I seek Him when I feel alone, I find Him.  If I look for Him in heaviness, He lifts my burden.  If I call to Him through my tears, He saves those tears in His bottle.  He not only finds me in this place, but He offers His hand to hold through it.  And He reminds me of the promises that are true.  Even when the things I imagined don't come true.  He is True.  He is Faithful.  Always.

No comments:

Post a Comment