22 December 2014

when Christmas feels heavy

On the Monday before Christmas some lists feel impossible.  The weight of it unmeasurable.

Maybe your to-buy list was longer than your budget allows.  And you're anxious about what to do for those last names you've written down.  You feel a little knot inside as you fight the inner battle of heaping guilt on yourself for not planning better and wishing  you had a bigger budget. 

Maybe you are staying with family.  And its tense.  But nobody wants to talk about it because all the talking doesn't bring resolution. Feelings have been hurt by words that were said in the past.  You struggle against guarding your heart so tightly that neither joy nor sorrow can get near you. 

Maybe this Christmas has an uninvited guest.  A diagnosis that holds on to each moment.  Maybe this is your 5th Christmas with that same diagnosis and you flail between resenting that it is still present while rejoicing that you are still beating that nasty disease. 

Maybe you are in an in-between place.  You don't know what is next and you are tired of trying to answer the questions that are repeatedly asked.  You long to hold on to some concrete answers, but all have are open-ended possibilities and no guarantees that they will work out.

Or maybe this Christmas is your first without your loved one.  You are bracing yourself against what might come on that once magical day.  In some ways, you just want to get it over with, and other ways you wish it wouldn't come at all.  You prepare the best you can, knowing full-well that the grief will arrive unannounced and likely forcefully. 
We struggle days before Christmas with this weight that we would love to just brush aside.  But it is too heavy to get out from under and too near to pretend otherwise.  We clench our fists and dig in our heels, bracing for the whirlwind.

And I wonder.  What was it like in Heaven in the days before our Savior came?  The angels that announced His coming said, "Do not be afraid."  Is it because they were just on the other side of witnessing something terrifying themselves?  Our Savior that came willingly as a helpless infant --He left gleaming perfection for dirty earth.  And heaven watched it unfold.  The words that describe heaven in the Bible leave us wondering, because our earth-words don't come close to capturing all-the-glory we will one day know.

He left Glory for this mess.  For you.  For me.  He sees our hurting places and knows the weight we carry today.  He is with us now.  He is God with us, our Emmanuel.  We can unfurl our fists and relax our guarded hearts.  We can trust that He is enough for all of our to-do-lists and struggling relationships.  He brings victory to the broken places, even before all is well.  He came to be with us for these moments.  So give Him your heart and ask Him to hold it.  Trust Him to make you strong and courageous.  Believe that the angels' message was for you too, "Do not be afraid; for behold I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."

Our Savior has come.  He is with us.  He goes before us.  He carries us through. And even as we continue to trudge through the deep, dark, brokenness we have this hope.  He has walked where we walk and He goes to prepare a place for us.  His love shines in the darkness and promises to bring us home.

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