3 things about hope

When Brad deployed the first time, there was a heated discussion in my Sunday School class about hope. One man was convinced that "hope" was weakness. Of course, in my emotionally-exhausted-state I could barely offer a counter argument without tears. I remember trying to explain that Hope was the very thing carrying me through each day. This encounter caused me to reflect and study up on the word hope.

When the second Compassion International Blog Month blogging assignment came to my inbox, I was pretty sure hope would be the word I picked. After a few days of marinating in my head and heart, it was confirmed.

1. Hope floats but its also an anchor.  I know, its probably cheesy to allude to a Sandra Bullock movie in a post about Hope.  I can't help it, that movie title is a good one.  So often, hope is lighthearted and surrounded by happy thoughts.  Think of the hopeful atmosphere at a graduation ceremony or a wedding ceremony or even a redeployment ceremony.  Hope floats indeed.  But its also an anchor.  Its the thing that holds us steady when nothing in the world seems steady at all.  It tethers us to Truth when everything around is tumbling apart.

We have this hope as an anchor for our lives, safe and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain. Jesus has entered there on our behalf as a forerunner, because He has become a high priest forever in the order of Melchizedek. - Hebrews 6:19-20 (HCSB)

2. Hope believes but it also expects.  I think we often interchange the word "hope" with the word "wish".  As Christians, though, Hope is so much more than wishing.  Perhaps that misunderstanding in my Sunday School class years ago had to do with confusing hoping for wishing.  They aren't the same.  Hope is grounded in belief, built upon expectation.  There is a precedence for the Hope we hold on to.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. - Romans 8:24-25 (NASB)

3. Hope can be given but it cannot be taken.  This is perhaps the most exciting part about this little post today.  We can give Hope.  And this Hope we can give is the kind that changes lives forever and can never be taken away.  It is the richest of gifts, and we, as believers, are so privileged to be able to share it.  Compassion International is such an amazing organization to partner with because they not only meet basic needs, they introduce people to Jesus.  They don't just provide clean water, they also point to the Living Water.  They don't just serve healthy meals, they furnish spiritual nutrition through the Bread of Life.  They don't simply administer basic medical care but also grant access to the Great Physician.  They don't just rescue children from poverty, they do it Jesus' name.

There is a song by Bebo Norman called, "I'm Alright" the lyrics begin with this way ::

I have a little hope here in my pocket
Wanna share of it with you
Just be careful that you don't drop it
Don't worry if you do

We've got Hope in our pockets!  We can share our hope with those that need it desperately.  Its only $38 a month.  I know, you immediately think, "We don't have an extra $38 a month."  I get that.  But I would encourage you to think about what "extras" you currently spend $38 on a month (cell phone? internet? soda? donuts?).  Maybe you can find a way to move a couple items around in your budget to make room for giving some hope away.  You will never regret it.

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. - Romans 12:11-13 (NIV)

If you aren't sure where to start, one fun way to find a child to sponsor is by narrowing it down by a meaningful date, like your birthday!  Go ahead and take a peek!

 

the dog incident

As you {might} know.  Our big dog was attacked last week while I was jogging with her and the jogging stroller. 

{P.S. GMA did a segment this week on #petselfie pics, and I might be slightly addicted.  You can tell Koka is the least excited about this activity!}

Ok.  On to the story.

See, the four of us have settled into somewhat of a sweet spot in our weekly routine.  We would head out for a morning jog after the big boys are off to school. {Its important to add that I did try running before Brad left for work a couple times, and it was just crazy to be outside running before the sun came up.}  Its still super hot here, so Muskoka was usually just running 2 miles and I was slowly inching her up to the 3 mile mark. I'd loop close to home so I could bring her in for water when she got hot - and usually grabbed a snack for the babies. {I do still call them that sometimes!}

I set the goal to run the Callaway 10k and was following my training plan so carefully.  I ran over 60 miles in August.  SIXTY!  And it felt really good.  It was the one part of our routine that was predictable.

My friend, Jana, had asked me to consider running the soldier half marathon with her.  At first I laughed at the idea, but then as I looked over the training plans I realized it was totally doable.  Brad looked over the plans with me last weekend too.  He found the one he liked the best and I looked it over - pretty surprised that I was actually going to be able to train for a half marathon.

Last Monday, Labor Day, was my first official half-marathon training run.  I felt pretty pumped up.  Wilson and Walker were home from school, so I would be running my short loop up and down the nearby streets.  I had to run 4 miles, two of them were to be at a pretty fast pace.  I would be running 3 of my little loops.

I had my music on, my super-fast-running-skirt and my babies strapped in.  I think Koka was picking up on my vibe and had her prance going pretty steady.  I had to slow myself down for the warm-up half mile, reminding myself that I was going to run a fast mile here pretty soon.  I think I was almost giddy.  I was at the furthest point of  my tiny loop when a lady was walking two dogs toward us - across the street from us.  I run in the street {have you ever run with a double-jogging stroller on a sidewalk?}, Koka runs between me and the grass.  I was about a quarter-mile in to my first fast mile.  I kept pace and Koka kept on prancing.  I vaguely remember hearing the lady calling her dog as we passed by.  I kept my eyes forward.

Then I heard a somewhat panic-y yell, "She's off her leash!"  And a big white dog ran from behind and stopped on the grass in front of Koka.  They sniffed each other.  I thought the owner was right behind me.  The white dog jumped - moving its body toward the stroller but keeping its face toward Koka.  Koka matched that jump putting herself squarely between the stroller and that dog.  There was a growl.  I grabbed closer onto the leash and scolded Koka.  As I tugged her back, the other dog attacked.

No nipping.  No barking.  Full-on clamped jaws on Koka's neck.  Then that dog would violently shake its head.  I had a flashback to an AFV episode with dogs spinning on the ends of suspended ropes and Brad had told me something about how strong their jaws were.  I screamed, "GET YOUR DOG!"  She tried.  She really did try to grab that dog. I think she may have even loosened its grip on Koka because the next time I looked it had its mouth on Koka's torso just behind her front leg instead of her neck. It was still violently shaking its head as it tore into my big dog's body.

I don't remember if Lincoln and Franklin were screaming.  I don't think they were.  I remember trying to steady the stroller because we were on a slight hill {and 60+ pounds on big wheels rolls super easy down a slight hill}.

I looked back at Koka. I remembered that Brad had always told me to just leave her if anything ever happened {I have encountered so many loose dogs in our neighborhood}.  I knew I had to leave her, but I couldn't think rationally, so I didn't think to unclip the jogging leash from around my waist.  As I looked at the jaws on her neck again, I knew I couldn't unclip her collar.  At this point I think I started screaming "HELP!"  I also think I screamed at the woman, "YOUR DOG IS KILLING MY DOG!"  I remember thinking if I screamed loudly enough a soldier would come out and shoot that dog in the head. 

I tipped the stroller backwards so it was resting on the brake and wouldn't roll anymore and I think I began to kick that dog.  But I don't know for sure.  I don't know if I closed my eyes, or if I am blocking it out.  I just know that moments later I was facing the stroller and I heard a man yell, "WHERE IS YOUR LEASH?" to the other woman.  His voice was steady but stern.  I looked behind me and he had pinned that dog down somehow.

Koka ran over to me, shook her head and her collar slipped off.  I pet her wet neck and told her to sit then slipped her collar back over her.  She was panting so hard.  I just wanted to fall over next to her, but somehow I didn't.  She sat right by the stroller while I got the woman's contact information.  I dropped my phone, my hands were shaking so badly.  I didn't know if I needed to call the police right then or not.  Brad was at work.  I texted him the dog owner's contact info. After the woman walked away, the soldier that pinned the dog down told me I needed to call the MP's.  I got his contact info too, just in case.

I called Brad.  Tears started falling before he even answered.  I honestly can't tell you what I said to him.  Likely, "Koka was just attacked.  I sent you the owner's contact info.  My leg is bleeding.  The boys are fine. Should I call the MP's?"

And his response was, "I'm on my way home, call the police." 

I tried scrolling through my contacts on my phone and couldn't find the MP number.  My  hands were still shaking.  I could see that woman walking about a block ahead of us.  She kept bending over to deal with "that dog."  I called Brad back and he said he'd call the MP's, and told me to apply pressure to Koka's wounds when I got home.  I could see the bloody spots through her curly-cream hair.  She seemed to be limping and kept looking at me as I sobbed.

Lincoln and Franklin kept asking, "what happened?"  In stereo.  Very dramatically.

As we walked up the driveway, I realized Wilson and Walker were probably going to be pretty scared too.  I told them I needed their help.  I laid a blanket out on our beige carpet - if our girl was going to die, it was going to be on carpet and not on the hard floor.  {This is the sort of thing that rolls through my mind.}  I couldn't apply pressure to all the spots so I just applied pressure on the spots with the most blood
.  I didn't know who would arrive first - Brad or the cops.

I wasn't surprised that it was Brad.  He ran in with his aid bag and bandaged up our big dog.  He repeatedly said to me, "you did everything right.  you did the right thing."  Over and over.

The police came in asking "who got bit?"  While we were explaining everything to them, an ambulance rolled up and the paramedics ran in, "Who was bit?"

The paramedics did clean up my leg - at that point I didn't know why it was bleeding.  {Later, I figured out that I cut it open while trying to prop the stroller on my foot to keep it from rolling.} They decided it did not look like a bite, but offered me a ride to the hospital in the ambulance.  I declined.

I won't continue with the play-by-play.  I'll tell you that the dog owner's contact information was correct, her husband also came home from work.  The dog was up to date on its shot and had no history of aggression.  Muskoka got 14 staples in about 5 different spots along with a few smaller puncture wounds.  The owners have paid her initial vet bill and have promised to pay the next bill as well {when she gets the staples out}.

I figured out a day or two later that my right arm felt like it had been wrung around a tree a few times.  I went for a run last Wednesday morning.  My arm was sore, but it really hurt whenever I tried to actually push the stroller.  I thought I should get it checked out after that.  My doctor thought it was related to past shoulder problems so she gave me a sling, a bag of medicine, and referred me to physical therapy.  I went back this week because my fingers had been swelling and the pain is not isolated to my shoulder even though I am taking all my meds regularly.  She sent me for a bunch of xrays and gave me a wrist brace as well.  It basically hurts if I use my right arm for anything.  But it is improving {no word on the xrays which tells me they are probably normal}.  Today, I was actually hopeful that I might be able to run again soon.  Not train-for-a-half-marathon soon, but possibly-reach-that-10-k-goal soon

I've replayed this so many times.  I've wondered what I could've or should've done differently.  I've pondered what the scene must have looked like to the two soldiers that came and helped.  I've rehashed the story with Lincoln and Franklin every morning since and often after naptime too - every time they notice Koka's sores again.   I've babied our dumb dog more than ever before.  {And I mean dumb in a super loving way}.  {See?  She's all tucked in at the foot of our bed. Super loving.}

I wonder what the lesson is in this for me.

I think I might know.  "That dog" lives behind us.  We can see its yard from our kitchen and dining room.  For days, whenever I looked out and saw it, I was filled with anger.  I'm just so mad that the whole thing happened.  I am so mad that my arm hurts so badly.  Meanwhile, "that dog" just plays in its yard, while we keep ours inside to heal.

Wilson told me I can't hold a grudge against a dog.  I kind of laughed it off.  I don't think there is anything in the bible about not holding a grudge against a dog.

But the thing is, a grudge is a grudge.  Its like that expression that says "unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies."  The bible actually does have a lot to say about unforgiveness - and definitely a lot to say about anger too.

"Be angry and yet do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity."  -Ephesians 4:26-27

So, wait?  I can't just be angry about this day after day?

The ugly feelings that keep erupting when I see that dog need to go.  Yesterday, I felt a nudge to think of something I am grateful for every time I see "that dog."

Today, I realize that I need to also think of something I am grateful for every time I use my arm - because the deep ache in it is a doorway to those ugly thoughts too.

Do you have a "that dog" or a deep ache that serves as a gateway to ugly thoughts? Let's kick them out with gratefulness!  We can do this, and it would be so much better to do it together!

note to {my childhood} self

I am participating in Compassion International's Blog Month.  The goal is to have 3,160 new children sponsored this month.  Feel free to click through any of the links to find out more about sponsoring a child.  You aren't committing to anything by checking it out.  Promise! 

The first assignment was to write a blog post to my childhood self.  I wanted to think it over a day or so... then we had "the dog incident" and my arm has been a mess ever since.  But this afternoon, I realized what my childhood self needs to hear.  {And likely my adult self needs to hear it too, maybe you too?}

Listen up, Mandy.  I need to tell you something.  It comes from a place of adoration.  So I'm going to whisper it to your little girl heart. 

Not everything in your world will make sense.  Things will happen that your little head cannot understand and your little heart won't have a clue what to do with all the feelings.  You'll try to figure you out.  You'll try to shove it away.  Its OK.  The good news is, God will work it all out for good.  

I know that sounds a little too simple.  But I am looking at it from this side -from 30 years down the road.  And I can tell you that God has woven such a beautiful life for you out of those hard things you didn't understand.  He brings peace to places you wouldn't guess, and heals hurts you were afraid to talk about.  He really does work all things out for good.  Often its the things we really have a hard time understanding that turn out to be such a beautiful piece of the picture. 

The thing about this Truth, is that it keeps building throughout your life.  So I, Amanda, can look back at you, Mandy; and be encouraged even now.  I've seen all the good work God has done up to this point, I've seen how He has worked out details that no one could have predicted.  So I know looking forward that He will continue this good work of His now.

Even when things happen that my head cannot understand and my heart doesn't have a clue what to do with all the feelings.

He is always good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

P.S.  I feel its important to add, though, that the matching outfits with your sister don't last much longer.  Keep smiling, its not forever kiddo! 

foster care supply closet update

Ok, I have been volunteering at the front desk in our foster care office for a few Tuesdays now. I would be lying if I said its easy or that I am awesome at it. But it has been good.

As you know, this opportunity came from my repeated "showing up" to help organize the supply closet there.  Naturally, this has exposed me to more of the story in that office.  I see how the closet is used, and I see more clearly how it lacks.  Also?  I feel more determined than ever to share the needs with others so there isn't this big blank space between foster parents and not foster parents.

If you don't know, you can't help.  Right? 

I still don't want to tell too many details of private stories during their most difficult chapters.  I've seen their faces, I've heard bits and pieces of their stories.  I've seen how the caseworkers are repeatedly pulled in an impossible number of directions within moments.  All the while staying on task with the most urgent cases.  There are just not enough people in that office to do everything that needs to be done.  This might be a budget issue, this might be a management issue, this might even be a political issue.  I don't know.  What I do know, though, is that these are children and they need to be loved, they need to know they are loved.  So wherever the issue stems from, it ends with children in need. 

And we can help.  There are so many ways we can help.

One quick story before I get on with the current needs and the help you can provide.

I've been keeping a tally-sheet of clothing items trying to keep track of clothing needs in each size range.  I have made notes in some cases for outfits that are "questionable" or "sorta an outfit."  My tally sheet is often a scrap of paper that gets shuffled around and smudged.  When I get around to typing up the needs, I don't add my notes.  Therefore those questionable outfits get overlooked.  But yesterday.  There was only one "outfit" in the size that was needed.  It was one I had cringed over before.  Too short shorts, with a cropped shirt of some sort.  My stomach was sick over it.  I have no idea how the child felt about the outfit, it was probably just nice to have clean clothes to put on.  But how I wish it had been something that was less "sorta an outfit." I also found out that the child had to wait to shower for a caseworker to return with a towel she went out to buy. 

Y'all.  I need your help.

Everything needs to be new.  If you are crafty and make things, that still counts as new.  I need to say this up front because I know it is a bit disappointing for the thrifty folks out there that have the gift for finding THE BEST previously-owned items.  I know.  But this is a standard that the office has in place to prevent a pile of junky stuff being brought in.  I have sorted through some items that eluded that standard which made me respect the standard even more. 

Immediate needs: 

• towels (for children that need a bath/shower when they come in to care.)
• boys' toddler size underwear through size small (we have none!)
• blankets (children often have to sit a long time in the AC in those offices)
• shelf-stable kid-friendly snacks (see above)
• VOLUNTEERS TO WORK AT THE FRONT DESK!!*  {HUGE NEED}

Clothing needs:

• The goal is three outfits for each size range for boys & girls through 4T; and two outfits for each size range for boys & girls in larger sizes.
• They also need shoes.  All sizes.  The goal would be a pair of shoes in every size.  
• Here is a list of what is currently needed to fulfill the clothing goals:
• GIRLS
• Newborn - fulfilled
• 3-6 months - need 1 outfit
• 6-9 months - fulfilled
• 12 months - fulfilled
• 18 months - fulfilled
• 24 months - need 1 outfit
• 2T - need 2 outfits
• 3T - need 2 outfits
• 4T - need 2 outfits
• XS - need 1 outfit
• S - need 1 outfit
• M- need 2 outfits
• L - need 2 outfits
• XL - need 2 outfits

• BOYS

• Newborn - fulfilled
• 3-6 months - fulfilled
• 6-9 months - fulfilled
• 12 months - fulfilled
• 18 months -fulfilled
• 24 months - fulfilled
• 2T - need 1 outfit
• 3T - need 2 outfits
• 4T - need 2 outfits
• XS - fulfilled
• S - fulfilled
• M- need 2 outfits
• L - need 2 outfits
• XL - need 2 outfits

QUESTIONS?  Ask away.  Please!
IDEAS?  Share them.  Please!
INTERESTED IN VOLUNTEERING YOUR TIME?  Let's talk*.  PLEASE!

If you want to donate something, would you mind saying a prayer over the item(s)?  A prayer for the child that will receive it.  If you can't donate right now (I so get it) would you mind saying a prayer for the caseworkers as they go about their days with too much work and not enough time?

I believe we have a great opportunity to make a huge difference in this little space.  Prayer is no small part of it, so please keep on praying.  It is a challenge every time I walk in there, but I never feel alone.  You all go with me.  When I tally up the clothes in the closet, it just makes me smile to see the ones that you all have given.  It's like you are in there with me. Its a special place.  And just on the other side of the door is so much heartbreak and hurt, but we, my friends, we carry the hope.  We get to share it.  You are doing this with me.  And I am so grateful.  Thank you for loving well. 

"Learn to do what is good.
Seek justice.
Correct the oppressor.
Defend the rights of the fatherless.Plead the widow’s cause."  

Isaiah 1:17 HCSB

* volunteering at the front desk requires a background check.  for obvious reasons. 

hard things

Sometimes I just want to skip over the hard things.  I want to read something trivial and watch something mindless.  I want to just keep saying "hump daaaaayy!" in that camel voice from the Geico commercial.

My instinct is to close my eyes tight and hope when I open them again the hard will be gone.

I volunteered at the reception desk at the foster care office yesterday. I wept when driving away. 

Months ago, I offered to help with organizing the supply closet.  I kept coming back, so I was asked to help at the desk.  I can offer just-shy of 3 hours a week.  They need someone to sit there 40 hours a week.

I can't sugar coat it.  Its not easy.  I've already experienced crying while driving from those offices.  More than once.  You can't walk in those hallways and avoid all of the messiness.  There's nothing easy about the work those caseworkers are doing on a daily basis.

Sitting at the reception desk, its even more eye-opening. I've prayed repeatedly "Break my heart for what breaks yours."  And He has answered repeatedly.  But where do I go from here? What do I do with this heartbreak?  My measly 3 hours of help seems so small.

There are over 300 children in foster care in our county and there are less than 50 foster families.  If you do that math, you discover there would need to be an average of 6 foster children with each foster family.

I don't know what stories I can tell.  For privacy reasons, I am not sure I should tell any of them.  So I will hold them in my heart; the little boy cries and the momma tears and the grandma anxious to stand in the mess.  I'll keep them wrapped up in my mind and pour over them with my Father in prayer. 

I saw heartache.  But I also saw hope. 

There were three families getting fingerprinted so they could become foster parents.  Their eyes were light and their smiles were big.  They were excited.

They are brave.

In the middle of this, I sense a mounting tension as I wrestle with my own past declaration, "I could never foster parent, it would be too hard."

I'm embarrassed that for so long, "it would be too hard" was enough of a reason for me to not even consider it.

Not once had I acknowledged the "hard" on the other side of that equation. 

I hadn't thought about the children being transported miles and miles away because there aren't enough available foster homes locally.  I didn't consider the sibling sets that are broken apart because there isn't enough room in any one home for all of them. 

These are children in the midst of turmoil taking on a hard that I can't wrap my brain around - that truthfully, I don't want to wrap my brain around.

God forgive me.

I don't know where we go from here.  I do know we do not go alone.  I know God's heart is for these children.  Jesus breaks it down like this in Matthew 25 - its worth a read if you aren't convinced about God's heart for these kiddos in need.

³¹ “But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; ³³ and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left.

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; ³⁶ naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ ³⁷ 

Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? ³⁸ And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? ³⁹ When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ ⁴⁰ The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’

⁴¹ “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; ⁴² for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; ⁴³ I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’

⁴⁴ Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not ^[e]take care of You?’ ⁴⁵ Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ ⁴⁶ These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

I found this song via one of my favorite blogs this morning.  It resonated deeply and reminded me of why the hard things shouldn't be avoided.

five minute friday :: lonely

This week's prompt is :: lonely.

GO

Oh this word.  It has so much meaning wrapped up in.  And I have felt it in so many places.  It strikes me as most strange when I feel lonely while surrounded by others.  When Brad was deployed and I went to church on Sundays - the day of the week that their were more people around me, I felt the loneliest.  That sticks with me still, and even now I can't not reach out for his hand to hold whenever we get to worship together.

I've felt lonely in really lonely places too.  There is almost something appealing for a little bit of loneliness.  Is that even OK to say?  I think when I feel lonely, I seek the One that has promised that I am never alone.  So even if at that moment, on this earth, there is no one else - my confidence grows in knowing He is with me.  Those reminders are always the good kind, especially in lonely places.

Lonely looks different for everyone.  We wear it our own way.  Its not always something we like to talk about, and it often feels heavy to share it with others.  But every time I breathe the feeling of loneliness to another soul?  There is almost always a reassuring "me too" nearby.  We need each other to carry our loneliness, it lightens the load, and reminds us that we aren't alone... even when we are lonely.

STOP.

Oh you five minutes are quick!  Also?  It is super weird to not spell check and reread what I wrote before hitting publish. 

Thinking about joining in?  The rules are simple as can be:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog footer}.
3. Go and comment on the post of the person who linked up before you. This is the one rule of this community.

Go here to find out more!

12 years!

Wow.

I think I say this every year, but this just keeps getting better. 

I'm so blessed to be your wife Bradley.  You taught me the importance of saying, "I'm sorry" and the equal importance of, "I forgive you."  You say it like you mean it, every time, and you have helped me learn how to do the same. 

You continually inspire me to do my best at the things that matter the most.  You prioritize a happy home over a spotless one, and your grace in this area has encouraged me so many times when I feel like I'm failing.  You jump into the chaos of our home before you even unlace your combat boots most days.  Our boys are always ready to greet you before you can sit for a minute.  And you let them.  Over and over.  You are not tireless, but you keep giving even in your fatigue.

You seek God first in regard to all things.  Your heart for Him, convinces me that all of our needs will be met.  You have chosen to trust Him with our finances and our future, your confidence in His provision repeatedly assures me as well.  You have sought wisdom in how to stretch the E5 pay and every month there is more than enough. You are content with what we have and your contentment is contagious.

I have so many treasured memories stored up in my heart. It overwhelms me to think that this is just the tip of the iceberg.  I will gladly accumulate laugh lines and gray hairs with you darling.  This journey with you feels so much like winning the lottery.  But without the fear of blowing it all in one place. 

Some days this adventure is more like whitewater rafting - prayerfully white-knuckling it through the scary parts, and laughing wild with pride over the accomplishments.  God building our faith along the way.

Most of this adventure, however, is in the every-day-ordinary. The days are often long, the quiet moments after bedtime often feel too few.  But your hand finds mine, you pull me close, and no matter how tired we are I can't help but smile.  We muster the energy to pull ourselves off of the couch and up the stairs, laughter almost always meets us along the way.  

Thank you, darling, for 12 years of surprises I could have never imagined.  I know God has good things in store for the year ahead.  I am grateful for this adventure with you.

things I learned in July

1. I am not a girl that can go for a run with my hair down.  I am pretty certain that I knew this about myself but for some reason I was too lazy to walk upstairs to get a hair tie.  And, oh what a sweaty mess I was after that run.  Seriously.

2.  I am in love with Target's back-to-school commercials.  It's the music that reminds me of my own back-to-school-days.  Cannot take it.

3.  I feel so incredibly small when I try to take pictures of the sky.  It seems like a silly thing, but I tried to photograph this cloud so many times and it didn't even come close to capturing the bigness of it.  {Perhaps if I got out our actual camera instead of my iPhone, I may have gotten closer; but still.  Sky = huge; me = small.}

4. There is a right way to eat chicken and waffles.  At least the manager at Cheddar's thinks so, I followed his instructions and the results were delightful.

5.  You cannot put salt dough snakes outside if you want them to look like snakes a few days later.  Ours are disintegrating a little bit each day.

6.  I feel like I have enough clothes.  I used to be the girl that HAD to flip through the clearance racks - just in case there was something I needed.  I told Brad the other night that I felt like I didn't really need any clothes.  While we strolled along the outside shopping area on date night, I really couldn't come up with any clothing items I needed to look for... although I did try on some shoes at Ross, because, well, shoes.  {I am certain there are many factors that contribute to this; one being that its so hot here in the summer that the last thing I think about is more clothes; and two, I absolutely do not 'browse' at stores while toting around the boys.}

7.  I could be a pool person.  For people that know me well, this is a shocker.  Believe me, it surprised me when I realized it.  I am totally a person that would love to have a pool in our backyard at our next house.  If we live in the South, there is no doubt that I will actually swim in it too.  Or at least dodge splashes from the boys while walking around in it.

8.  Our local foster care office has taken in 56 children in June & July.  Our caseworker told me that its likely even more will come into care once school resumes.  I feel small all over again.

9.  When I feel small, I have a better perspective of God.  He is able, always. 

***
This "things I learned in July" post is a result of an invitation from Emily Freeman to share our little lessons.  Here's what she has to say about it:

"At the end of each month I like to share a few things I’ve learned. Sometimes it’s educational and informative but usually not.

Usually I’ve discovered a quirk I didn’t know I had or a fascinating-to-me celebrity connection. It’s a mishmash of ordinary life stuff, things that may go unnoticed if I didn’t decide to write them down.

Last month I decided to invite you all to share what you learned in June as well – and it was so much fun I decided to ask you to join me every month! You can do that at the bottom of this post."

So I decided to join in on the fun this month.  You can join in too, link up here.  OR if you don't wanna blog about it, why not sure a lesson or two of yours in the comments?  You know you want to!

summer

We are exactly one week out from the first day of school.

Oh, and this is Wilson's last year of elementary school {if God keeps us in the area}.  Tears have been shed over this.  {Wilson has already stated that he prefers if I do NOT accompany him to his classroom on the first day of school.}

This summer has just been a sweet gift.  Perfect?  No.  But just extraordinarily pleasant.  I think it helps that last summer was pretty much exactly the opposite.  I knew it was hard then, heavy and lonely and just plain exhausting.

I really didn't know what to expect of this summer.  I made a sketchy-plan (sketchy = pencil lines; not sketchy = shady characters).  I tried to be a bit more intentional with some things that I let slide last year.  I begged God to make this time sweet.  And He did.  More so than I could have imagined.

When you open your hands to offer to God what you have, it is thrilling to watch Him fill them back up with the most lovely gifts.  He did this over and over throughout these summer days.

If I am honest, I don't want it to end.

I like the little rhythm we created these lazy summer days.  I even like the extra messes from exploring new things.

In looking at the snapshots, I am reminded that He gives good gifts...in His time.  It would be silly to not expect Him to be able to do the same as the school year begins.

I am trying to be deliberate with these last few lazy days, soaking up the precious time.

I am also asking God to help me pry my hands open to offer this school year to Him.  I know He will fill it with better things than I can imagine.  If only I wait for Him and trust His wisdom.

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."  Psalm 84 11

from Sara Groves, "Open My Hands".

five minute friday :: broken

I'm writing with a timer set for five minutes, the writing prompt this week is broken.

GO

Last night I saw a little heart break.  Daddy was at men's bible study so while I slathered the boys in lotion (just the youngest two) and got their jammies on, we talked about where Daddy was.  Because normally, he's on the floor with me for this part - and some nights its just him doing it.  So when he's not there, he is missed.

We talked about how Daddy loves God and he goes to bible study to learn more about Him.  And that it helps Daddy love us better.  I told the boys, in toddler language, that we could pray for the job God is getting ready for Daddy.

I don't know what I said, but the saddest little cry came from Lincoln, "MY DADDY!"  Just over and over, "my daddy, my daddy!"

I reassured him that Daddy would ALWAYS be his daddy - no matter what his new job might be. "Daddy will always always always be your daddy, Lincoln."

When we came downstairs I had to retell a bit of the story to the big boys because Lincoln & Franklin were repeating parts of our talk, like, "Love God" and what not.  When I told the part about Lincoln getting upset, he lost it.

Bawled.  Heart broken.  "My daddy!"  All over again, but louder and sadder this time.

I don't know what triggered this deep fear in this little heart, but I know it was real.  Even there was nothing about it to understand, I knew his little heart was broken at the thought of his daddy getting a new job that didn't involve him being his daddy.

Daddy will always always always be YOUR Daddy.

done.  

I feel like there is so much more to say about this.  But I am a rule follower.  I am ignoring the grammatical errors up there, and linking this up anyway.

Lisa Jo's blog is down because of that fantastically, awesome post she wrote about her husband this week.  It was shared around so much that it made her blog crash.  So she's hosting the link-up on FB today.  You can find her here, if you want to check it out.

worship

Yesterday was a work day for Brad.  I still dislike that he has to work some Sundays, but when I remind myself that I went to church solo for 15 months of Sundays, it doesn't seem nearly so bad.

There was something dynamic in our worship yesterday.  Or at least it seemed like it to me.  I do adore belting out the songs at our church.  In my mind, I feel like I can sing as loudly as I want and nobody else can hear me, which allows me to sing as loudly as possible.  The lead-worshipper did say yesterday that he was tempted to hand his microphone to a guy in the front row because he was singing so loudly, so perhaps my assessment of "nobody else can hear me" is off.  I'll just keep on belting out the songs.

As I sang and we collectively poured our worship offerings before God I just felt this peace.  The kind that can't be shaken.  The kind that says no matter where we go, God is already there.  No matter what job Brad gets, God is already preparing him for it.  No matter which school district we live in, our God will be there too.  An unshakable peace.  In those peace-filled moments, my thoughts led me to some of the things I am praying for others too... that this peace would be theirs even in the middle of the circumstances they encounter.

We sang a new-to-our-church song, which has long been belted out in my car, living room, and even on my street while I run.  I awoke with it in my mind again this morning.

I had intended to type up this little post this morning, but I could not figure out how to pair the keyboard to my iPad [is that even the right way to say that?] {I don't dare turn on the desktop in the quiet hours while boys still sleep!}  I played the song on repeat instead, and as I reflected on the lyrics it turns out God had some things He needed to reveal to me first.  I was a little caught off guard by a disconnect that God pointed out to me.

You see, while we are waiting for the Army to decide how much longer Brad will be in; Brad is hustling to search out job listings and tweaking his resume.  All the while, I stand by and say "wherever!"  And if I am being honest, I am a little proud of my willingness to go wherever.  There I said it.  And that's not even the worst part.  Gah.

Here comes the disconnect.  Brad found a job posting last night.  He printed it out and brought it to me.  It is basically a job description of all of his skills.  It is almost as if the person that wrote the job description had watched Brad at work for the last seven years.  I could barely finish reading it because my jaw was hanging open.

When we figured out where it was located.  My "wherever!" attitude was nowhere to be found.  Instead, I was shocked at my first thoughts about the location.  And embarrassed.

God was not surprised.  Not even a little.  He knows my heart.  And He ever-so-gently reminds me of this often.  Today, He is calling out my "wherever!"  I can't begin to predict if Brad will get this job and we'll move to the state of Washington someday.  It doesn't even matter today if that will happen.

The important thing is that God is correcting me in a grace-filled-peace-giving way.  All I can do, is humbly ask Him to prepare my heart and continue to call me out in the places that I haven't surrendered as much as I thought I had.  I don't just want to sing of surrender and feel peace while the music plays.  I want to live it out.  I truly want my "wherever!" to be honest.  He will continue to refine my heart in this process.  There is so much work to be done, I'm so grateful that He is so faithful.

"I lay me down.  I'm not my own. I belong to you alone.  Lay me down.  Lay me down.
Oh! Hand on my heart, this much is true; there's no life apart from you.  Lay me down."

photo scavenger hunt fun!

So you might have noticed the little "I blog for Compassion" button over there on the right side bar.  Its a recent addition to the blog, although I've posted a few times over the years about our involvement with Compassion International.  By signing up, I basically volunteered to write about prompts that will be emailed out.

So this is the first "officially prompted" Compassion International post!  Fun, huh?

Even more fun is that the prompt was basically to read about the Photo Scavenger Hunt that Compassion International is hosting for the remainder of the month of July.  Read here to find out all about it.  You can totally join in on the fun.

Its a way to celebrate their two year mark on instagram.  I wanted to wait to participate until Wilson and Walker got back from Camp Barbie.  I think they will have fun searching for the items to photograph with me. Of course, one of the items was easy enough for me to just turn and snap right here.




Oh, and did I mention there are prizes?  You know me with prizes, right?  Check them out! Giddy.  I tell you.

We love the work that Compassion International is doing around the world.  It is an honor to play a small part in their bigger work.  By supporting a child, we are helping to keep his birth family intact.  I know its hard to imagine from the comforts of North America, but the depth of poverty in some parts of the world is a major factor in the orphan crisis.  Compassion International does an outstanding job of releasing children from poverty in Jesus' name!  They take a holistic approach and the benefits that children in their programs receive end up helping their entire family to some extent.  Their approach has even been researched by a third party with outstanding results... read more here.

I could go on and on.  If you have questions, please do not hesitate to ask.  I believe with all my heart that Compassion is in the business of orphan-prevention.  It is a critical piece to the larger Orphan Care movement.

ten!

All the cliches about how fast time flies seriously don't really capture it. 

Unbelievable.  Truly.

Here you are, ten years old.  I am ever impressed with the person you are becoming.  I rarely catch glimpses of "baby-Wilson" anymore, rather every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of the man you are becoming.  As your mother, it makes me both proud and terrified.

I still can't believe we let you play tackle football last year.  You ran onto that field fearless...oblivious to the size discrepancies between you and 90% of the other players.  You worked hard.  At practice and at games.  I think I knew this before but you proved it during football.  You have no quit in you.

School was a little bit tougher this year, not the work so much as the environment.  I know it wasn't always easy.  The thing that impressed me though, was that you were able to make the best of it anyway.   You came up with some of the sweetest adjectives to describe your teacher and I know you meant it.  It is a gift to be able to accept the way things are, then to go a step further and make things the best they can be.  You go a step further every chance you get.

I know God has wired you uniquely.  I pray you will always strive to be true to the way He wired you - especially when your wiring seems different than most.   I appreciate your ability to empathize with others.  When your little brothers are bothered by something, you quickly try and come up with a solution for them - and when there is no solution to be found, you offer your comfort.  It is always a joy to watch this happen, even if maybe you shouldn't be offering comfort to someone in time-out. 

Happy birthday bud, I pray great things for the year ahead.  Even if we end up moving to Africa...God is the one that is preparing the next place for us.  

a decade of motherhood

This morning I laid awake for a few minutes before mustering the energy to get out of bed. Last night I had fallen asleep quickly, but then I woke up and could. not. get. back. to. sleep.

So the first half of the night was long because I was trying to fall asleep without keeping the man awake.  I do a lot of my best praying during these awake-but-wish-to-be-asleep times.  Eventually, after revisiting my mental prayer list a few times, I did fall asleep.

Then Franklin woke up.  Screaming.  I am not sure how long that went on.  Longer than any of us hoped, that is for sure.  I was awake, but useless because I had just fallen asleep shortly before the screaming began.

This morning when my clock told me it was time to get up, I was slow moving.  I prayed about my mothering, before rolling out of bed.  I know these days that follow nights with little sleep are generally tough ones.

Sometime between rolling out of bed and pouring that first cup of coffee while the house was quiet, I thought back to 10 years ago today.  July 17, 2003, I drank a concoction of raspberry tea and castor oil.  While the initial aftermath was wretched, I am pretty sure I had forgotten about it by the time I went to bed that evening.  When I woke-up with stomach cramps, I thought it was the castor oil, but didn't think it was labor.  First-time pregnancy bliss!

  

(we put on a happy face for the camera)

 I didn't wake Brad because I was pretty sure the castor oil was only going to cause intestinal unpleasantness. {That was the warning in everything I read, but I tried it anyway.}  I quietly went into the nursery (where eventually that sweet baby never ever slept), and began reading some of the children's books we had neatly tucked into a basket. I prayed. I sang hymns. I acknowledged how scary this whole motherhood thing was that loomed before me.  I felt like I needed to get it right and yet knew nothing about how to do that.  I whispered dreams for this baby to the Author of all dreams.

(this photo tells the story a little more accurately)

 

Its funny how many times, ten years later; I still think those thoughts.  And pray those prayers.  And sing those hymns.  And whisper those dreams.  In the middle of the night.  In the quiet mornings.

I'm grateful that God always meets me in those places.  Ever faithful.  Always ready.

just do the next thing

Sometimes my mind overwhelms me.  I think over things I don't necessarily need to be thinking about... a lot of times, I pre-think.  Please tell me I am not the only one.  You know, you spend time thinking over something that you don't actually have to think about until later on down the road?  Super common, right?  (Right??)

I think some people would classify it as daydreaming.  Others might call it worry.

Here's how it went down recently for me.

Many of you have generously sent donations to fill up the clothing racks and fulfill the need for bags.  Also, during VBS the kids brought in toiletries throughout the week - enough to fill and overflow the shelves.

this is seriously only a portion of the toiletries.  and see all those various size diapers?  so awesome

I started thinking about what might be next.  Should there an off-site location to handle the overflow of donations?  Should we begin thinking about potentially starting something like Taylor's Closet?  or Our Big House?  The what's next pre-thinking thoughts begin to jumble up the what's now thoughts and before too long there's just a mangled mess of  worried-daydreams in my thinking space.  Gross.

This messy-mind is enough to plant my feet firmly in the muck of uncertainty.  When my feet get planted in uncertainty its hard to move.

But God says, "Sister, get over yourself.  Just do the next thing."  {paraphrase of Psalm 143:10}

So the next thing for now, is to share the list of supplies that we still need downtown. 

Remember, this supply closet is a place where caseworker's can grab what they need for kiddos that have come in to care.  In the scheme of things, its just a little something to help the difficult day go a little smoother.  If there are clothes in the appropriate size and toiletries available to help a child get washed up, it frees the caseworkers up to get to the work of finding a home for the child to go to.  

Items needed:

Girls' New Clothing

• newborn - filled
• 3-6 months - filled
• 6-9 months - filled
• 12 months - need 1 outfit
• 18 months - filled
• 24 months - filled
• 2T - need 3 outfits
• 3T - need 3 outfits
• 4T - need 3 outfits
• XS (4/5)- need 1 outfit
• S (6/7) - filled
• M  (8)- need 1 outfit
• L (10/12)- need 1 outfit
• XL & Juniors (size 14 and up) need a few outfits*
• need girls' socks all sizes

a peek at the clothes.  there are 4 more racks like this!

Boys' New Clothing

• newborn - filled
• 3-6 months - filled
• 6-9 months - filled
• 12 months - filled
• 18 months - need 1 outfit
• 24 months - filled
• 2T - need 1 outfit
• 3T - need 1 outfit
• 4T - need 1 outfit
• XS - filled
• S - filled
• M - filled
• L - need 1 outfit
• XL & Juniors, need a few outfits*
• need boys' underwear 2T, 3T, 4T, and XS, S

Another need is blankets.  Often times children spend quite a bit of time at the office while the caseworkers they to find a home for them.  As with most large buildings in the south, the AC is cold.  It would be nice for the kiddos to be comforted with a blanket during their wait.  The blanket would then become theirs to keep.  If you are crafter and want to make some, bring it!

* There are some larger clothing items in the storage closet, but most of it doesn't go together and the sizes are random.  Generally speaking, this size range is not needed as often.  Usually an older child will be able to dress and care for themselves - however, if an older child has come in to care and is in need of a change of clothes, etc, I would surely think they are keenly aware of it... which is why I desperately want to provide a few outfits there as well.  

If you have any questions ask here or on FB.  I'll be in touch!

five minute friday - present

I am doing the five-minute-friday thing again.I thought I would include the rules if you want to see them... its pretty simple!
 
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..

See? Simple!

 

Present.  GO:

This morning when I went out for my run, I didn't turn on a playlist.  It was just me, my heavy breathing, that lady from runkeeper periodically telling me how fast to run, and my prayers.

I prayed for a friend that is pregnant, in the at-risk-years; and she's weary.  I prayed for renewed energy and confidence.  I prayed she would sense His presence.

I prayed for a job for Brad.  Not just one that pays the bills, but one that floods his heart and challenges him everyday to seek God's presence more. 

I prayed for a courtdate with a little baby in the middle, and all of the hearts that will be impacted for a lifetime by the decision today.  I only know to believe that God is present there.

I prayed for housing for friends, and upcoming moves, and challenges that might measure small to some but are big when they are right in front of you.

I felt his presence as I ran around my little bitty neighborhood streets.  I know He heard these prayers and that He interceded in ways that I didn't know how.  It is refreshing to run in His presence even in the heat and humidity here.

He is always present.  Sometimes I just ignore Him.  I hate that.  I hope He continues to draw me closer.

{so much that I want to go back and edit here.  But I am following the rules anyway}

out of the blue

I have just a little special moment to share with you. 

Maybe it struck me as so special because last summer was just so hard.  Lots of little illnesses, combined with a heart-wrenching trial, all while becoming a family of 6 but waiting for the courts to make it official.  Hard summer days.

So this summer has just held a whole lot of joy in the middle of little regular moments, like boys splashing in our tiny pool while I blow bubbles.  Special treasure.

This morning, though, I got a little extra treasure out of the blue.   As Wilson & Walker and I discussed what to pack for "Camp Barbie" we also talked about how many days they would be away. 

I told the them that I wasn't sure if they would be back on Tuesday or Wednesday.  Walker said, "Well, I hope it will be Thursday."  Wilson replied, "Thursday is my birthday."

Then Wilson adds the little extra nugget of treasure.

"And as fun as it would be to celebrate my birthday at Mrs. Barbie's house, I would like to have my little brothers there."

And I almost cried.  It is so fun to glimpse the beauty God creates.

I'm sharing this post today as part of a link up at Chasing Blue Skies.  Its a fun way to reflect on a little special blessing that God brings you right out of the blue!  You can join in here!

the things we carry

I posted this picture yesterday; with the little story about the elderly man that gave me the crosses.  He quietly approached our family at Subway and gestured to Linc and Frank and asked, "are these your boys?"  After nodding yes, he quickly asked if they were adopted, another nod yes, and with a bit of relief he told us that he was an adoptive father too.  Before leaving, he pulled these little crosses from his pocket for the boys, and told us that the wood was from Isreal (I think, I keep forgetting to fact-check this with Brad).

This will be added to the stories I carry with me.  

It got me thinking of another story that I've been carrying around with me.  I think its time to share it with y'all.  I don't think I ever told you about this unexpectedly difficult event while we were transitioning from a family of four to a family of six.

We were in the middle of the back-and-forth days.  I'd pick Lincoln & Franklin up from the foster parents' house after I dropped the bigs at school.  We'd spend the day at home practicing meals, and naps, and playing in the living room.  After dinner, we'd pack up and drive across town to take the boys back to the foster parents' house.  These were long, hard, exhausting days. 

Caught in the middle, with no clue how long it might last.

On one of these long days, I got a text from the foster momma to call our caseworker.  Great.

Our caseworker was hoping we could "stop by" and be on a panel for one of the foster-parent-training classes.  That night.  Super.

We were less than thrilled that we had been chosen to take this show on the road; we'd been in those classes, and we didn't feel like we were in a position to really offer anything.  We were still in a place where Lincoln and Franklin weren't always thrilled with us being the ones to offer comfort.  The idea of putting the transition on display for a bunch of hopeful future foster/adoptive parents made me a bit of a wreck.  But we were also caught in the middle, and didn't want to be contrary in any way that could possibly make this process take longer.

{Now that I am out of the middle, I don't really think saying "no" would've had an adverse impact on the process, but the thing is, when you are in the middle it feels like it all weighs heavy.}

After dinner, we did our best to make ourselves presentable.  Surely I put my crazy-end-of-the-day hair in a pony tail.  We wiped off four faces and combed hair quickly.  We made sure we had some of those Gerber fruit puffs in the diaper bag and agreed to let Wilson and Walker bring whatever gaming device they wanted.  Although, I do remember suggesting Wilson bring a book to read.  

Because, really, wouldn't that look better while we were on the panel?

On our way there we had to wait on a train crossing the street.  And then reversing back across the street.  And then pulling forward again.  I sent some texts to our caseworker to let her know we were going to be late.  She tried to suggest an alternate route, but we were not familiar with any of the other roads to get to the DFCS office.  I broke into a bit of a sweat.  I did not want to be a sweaty mess when we got there - which I think made me sweat all the more.

We finally made it and  walked in to a full room; 30-40ish people maybe.  Our seats were right up front facing the class.  I suggested Wilson and Walker sit off to the side where some chairs lined the wall - thinking if we could reduce the number in our show, then the presentation might be more polished.  Of course, some "do-gooder" quickly got up and dragged two more chairs right up front next to ours.  Thanks, man.

The caseworker introduced the entire panel.  Our family, an investigator, another caseworker, someone I don't remember, and...

...a boy that wanted a family.  

Oh my heart.

His parents' rights had been terminated, he had no family members to go to. 

Y'all.  I could not look down the line at him.  I think he was 11 or so.

At this moment, I was grateful that I had been so self-absorbed when we walked in that I didn't notice him sitting there. 

I could barely handle it.  

The caseworker graciously started with us so we could leave immediately following the question time.  The thing is, I don't remember the questions we were asked.  

All I can remember is that there was a little boy sitting on a panel in front of a room full of adults because he wanted a family.  I remember that I wondered about who was sitting with him, was someone holding his hand?  I think I tried to inaudibly whisper to Brad that I could not look down there.  

We weren't there long, the babies were fussing, it was late, and it was a school night.  When we got back to the van I was once again absorbed with the daily tasks during this middle place of transitioning.

But I carry this story with me.  It comes to mind more often than I can say.  The memory of the brave boy on the panel.  He is a reminder of so many others just like him that are waiting.  For a family to call their own.

Right now, I don't know what else I can do but share his story.  And pray.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."  Psalm 68:5-6

five minute friday : beautiful

I am taking a little bit of a departure here, I thought I should tell the four of you that read this thing on a regular basis.  I've decided to participate in a writing-prompt-party on Fridays.  It's only five minutes and anyone can join.  I thought it would be a fun way to get some words out there without thinking too terribly much about it.  I'm writing this introduction after I did my "five minutes" and I gotta admit, I am a bit of a sweaty mess after that timer starts - and maybe a teensy bit more so before linking up.  I think its good to stretch a bit though.  Feel free to check out the party here.





Five Minute Friday

BEAUTIFUL

I used to think the word beautiful applied to things like sunsets, and rainbows, and super models and artwork.  I thought "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" meant that it was something that changed from person to person.  But I don't think that anymore.  I think the beholder can train her eye to see beauty...  and pretty soon there are beautiful things all around.

A toddler hand on a mommy arm.  Boys that scramble to the door when daddy comes home.  Clouds racing across a bright blue sky.  Fresh fruit for picking.  Dream-sharing date nights.  A grandmother that repeats the same answer to grandpa over and over, with the same intonation each time; weary but not giving up.  Sisters laughing.  Brothers throwing crab-apples.   Squirt guns in baby fingers.  Ice cream cones dribbling down fingers, arms, shirts and pants.

STOP!

If you might be interested in joining in on the fun you can click right here to find out all of the details.  This is my second week doing it, and I will admit I am not nearly as sweaty as I was last week. ;)  TMI?

the slow business of becoming unflappable

Remember that word for the year?  The one that was almost embarrassing to admit.

You might be wondering how the move from flappable to unflappable is coming along.

It is coming along.

When you ask God for a word and a focus.  He gives it.  It might not be the word or focus you would've chosen.  When you ask Him to change you.  He does it.  Not all at once though.  The thing about being a believer in Jesus is that the Holy Spirit dwells in you.

[This might sound weird to those of you that don't know Jesus... and might make you skeptical because wouldn't all of us Christians be better at this Christian-thing if we had a HOLY Spirit living in us?  I get that.  The thing is our human nature still lives there too.  While Jesus gives us victory through the power of the Holy Spirit, we still need to ask for it.  And walk in it.]

So back to the flapping and the Holy Spirit.  Oh my.  The conviction over a shout-burst.  The instant recognition of my flappable ways has been profound.  And frequent.  I still find myself face-on-the-floor often over my mothering failures.  But I find grace too.  Reminders that face-on-the-floor is not a bad place to be.  He finds me right there and gives me courage to get back up and try again.  And again.

He has also reminded me to keep my eyes on my own paper.  You know how when you get pressed with something uncomfortable, its easier to look at others and say, "well, I am doing way better than...."?  You've done this, right?

God gave me a really wonderful visual reminder to look back on throughout this flappable-to-unflappable process.  In January, Wilson was on the honor roll and there was an assembly.  Brad wasn't able to attend so it was just Franklin + Lincoln + me.  I tend to break out in a sweat when going to a school gathering with the two of them.  Toddlers + sitting still for a long time; well, that's just not really a thing.  We got there on time and were able to get seats at the end of the row where the stroller could be parked easily and out of the way.  Victory!

There was another boy a little older than the twins running all over the gym.  He was more or less ignoring his momma.  Not too unusual really.  He turned around and his t-shirt shocked me, it read, "I may be small, but I run this sh*t."  I almost took a stealth photo of it to post on FB.  You know, so everyone could weigh in on how ridiculous this was.  I could see on the looks of other parents' faces that they were not impressed either.  Pretty soon our kids that were able to read were going to walk in and see this shirt.  Classy.  So I sat there in all my judgey-glory, internally condemning this mother and her lack of reason and inability to make appropriate choices.  I imagined what some of your responses would be to the FB photo post of this little dude that was running things.

And just like that.  It hit me in the face.

How many times a day do I make an appalling-parenting-choice?  How many things happen {maybe in the privacy of my own home} that would make a room full of other parents judge my lack of reason and my inability to make appropriate choices?  I think my cheeks flushed as I realized how my flappable-ness would make great FB fodder.  I knew God was telling me to "keep my eyes on my own paper."  Quit looking for others' faults so I could clearly see my own when the Spirit pointed them out.

Instead of posting I picture of that little guy, I posted this one::

But I haven't forgotten what I learned that day.  I think of that little boy's shirt all the time.  Of him running around and the way I judged his momma.  So not my place.  I have work to do in my own home.  Who am I to judge?



P.S. I started this draft awhile back and finally found the courage to finish it off.  God is good and I can see His work in our home, in my mothering.  But, oh, He has so much more work to do here.  Thank you for cheering me on along the way!