lovely

Dear Self in Ten Years,

Do you think its cute that I thought this blog might still be around in 10 years?

I wanted to tell you something.  I realized it earlier today, and thought you should know.  I have to start with a little background information though, just in case you have made some grown-up changes in regard to your ability to schedule hair appointments.  See, right now, I do this thing.  I grow my hair a bit.  And then I chop it off a bit.  I'm not so great at keeping up with regular hair cuts, so the short hair ends up growing long.  I get comfortable with the idea that I can pull it into a pony tail, so I just get it trimmed a time or two.  Then a year goes by and I realize that I wear my hair in ponytails every. single. day.  So I decide I should just cut it off.  So I do.

And I did.  Again.

{What, self?  People snapped pictures of themselves all the time in 2013 with their iPhones, just be thankful its not in a bathroom mirror.}

This time around, as I flat iron my hair.  I've noticed some gray hair.  Just this morning, that one toward the front was being especially showy.  Its even a little wiry.  You know the ones?  Not like the kind that have shown up periodically over the years, that might've just been a super-light-same-texture-as-the-rest-of-my-hair gray hair.  No, these are the real-deal gray hairs.  And guess what, self?  I'm not mad about it.  I'm not scared of it.

The thing is, we're staring down 37, which means we're 36 right now. (We? Me? Letter writing to oneself is just asking for all kinds of grammar errors.  From here out, I'm sticking with first person, OK?  I doubt that Strunk & White has any information about this, so just quit arguing with me.) 

Basically, I've been an adult for 18 years.  Life can be divided evenly into childhood and adulthood right now. 

You might remember that this relationship with Jesus got for-really-real at 18.  You had known Him most of your life, but not very well.    18 is when you first learned that He was who He said He was - that His promises were absolutely true even in your most lonely of lonely places.  Remember, those times in the bunk bed at college, just weeping over past mistakes and heartbreak?  He was there.  He told you then that He had a good plan for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.  You believed it.  When He sent you across the country to work at that residential school in the mountains of Southern California, you were certain He was with you.  And He was.  So when the phone call came that asked you if you'd consider being a teacher in The Gambia for a year, you knew He arranged it.  So you kissed your family good-bye and flew to Africa.  And He went before you.  He stayed with you, He comforted you when you had no other earthly friends around you.  He proved that His love was not going to fail. Not ever.  You were certain He was all you would ever need.  So when He introduced you to that man that knocked your socks off after you got back from Africa?  Well, that took you a bit to believe.  How could He have chosen such a man to be yours?  Even now this is still a marvel to you.  (I'm sure when you read this in 10 years, you'll still be amazed).  It's especially delightful to consider this on Valentine's day.  When you finally accepted that God had a gift so good in store for you, you knew the story He would write with your lives would be filled with surprises.  And He has been writing it in a surprisingly beautiful way.  Not that any of your best guesses would be anywhere close to the reality He would bless you with. 

I could probably write you paragraphs upon paragraphs about just how real Jesus has been in your life these past 18 years.  Each story would certainly have a few rabbit-trails of God's goodness and the paragraphs would multiply into chapters.  He has been so faithful in the details of the every day.  Always.  There is not enough time now to tell it all.  Let me just get to the point.

Those gray hairs.

They are evidence of life well-lived.

That is exactly what I thought today as I spied more-than-a-couple hanging around in that flat iron.  I'm certain that was an impression from God; because this world would rather I freak out about that sort of thing.  Today, I'm perfectly OK with them.

Self, I hope you are still OK with them by the time you read this -- that goes for any friends or family members that took a peek at this letter to future me today.  Keep noticing the evidence of a life well-lived... it would be a shame if everything stayed the same for years upon years. I hope that you just keep believing Jesus for all He is.  Keep letting His voice be the One that you listen for and when you hear it, obey it.  If He tells you that you are beautiful, then celebrate it.  He has good plans for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.  He is working them out now, each part fits together with the next. Call upon Him.  Seek Him with all of your heart, you'll find Him at every turn.  Keep celebrating the good gifts He's given.  Do not shy away from the calling in your life, do not hide the grays away.  Keep living life well.  Day by day, He will continue to carry you.

We are re-reading the Jesus Storybook Bible, this morning we read about creation.  These words are true today.  "God loved them with all of His heart.  And they were lovely because He loved them."  Believe it.  Gray hair or not - his Love makes you lovely.  Always.

embracing the evidence of a life well-lived, with love;
amanda

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

one thing :: mothering

I meant to write a post about my New' Year's Goal.  Like 5 weeks ago.  But you know, better late than never.  It might be that I was a little nervous about this one.  Its a humbling endeavor to invite others in to see how you are doing on a big goal.  But I figure you are a safe bunch and besides God led me to the goal, so I imagine His work will be evident.  Everyone likes a show, right?

The Sunday after Christmas we were driving across the lovely state of Michigan to celebrate Christmas one more time.  We planned on streaming our church's sermon but it wasn't cooperating, so we listened to the one from North Point Community Church (Andy Stanley's church).  Well, it turns out that their whole church shuts down on the last Sunday of the year so it was a re-play of last year's New Year's sermon.  In the sermon, Stanley suggested you focus on one thing for the New Year.  Not ten things, not five things, one thing.  As he spoke, he said, "I bet you already have an idea of what that one thing is."  And he was right.  I knew.

Mothering.

The way I mother, needs improving.  God knows it.  I know it.  My kids know it.  That was my one thing.  I wanted a word to go with it.  A focus.  One word to say in a nutshell how I'd like to view my mothering at this time next year.  This is where it gets a little embarrassing, maybe.  I thought of calm, then I thought steady, and as I pondered more, I was led to "unflappable."

That feels audacious to me.  That God could mold my mothering skill-set into something unflappable in twelve months time.  Because if I'm being honest with you, I am super flappable.  Super. Flappable.  Hello, my name is "easily flapped."  You know what I am saying?

I have a short fuse.  And two toddlers.  That combination isn't lovely very often.  Not to fear, my ugliness has been evenly distributed to each of the boys.  Bless them.  I am ever grateful for the words, "I'm sorry,"  and for their patient, forgiving hearts.  But deep in my soul, I knew this was the place where I needed to invite God in to do the work.  

I think it took me more than a week before I could admit that "unflappable" was my word.  I was still finishing reading "Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions" by Lysa Terkeurst and wondering about buying "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breath" by Sarah Mae + Sally Clarkson.  How do you proclaim unflappable in that place?  And God keeps reminding me, its not really about me, its really about Him.  He is faithful.  Even to the easily flapped.  He is.  Always.

He led me to the scripture in the picture above.  Its the kind of unflappable I want to be. I want to be like a tree planted by streams of water.  Nourished by roots that run deep, without fear of heat or drought.  The kind of tree that can still be green and produce fruit even in adverse circumstances. 

Not too long ago, Brad was telling us about more of Andy Stanley's podcast series for 2013's New Year called Breathing Room.  Brad was explaining "margin" to the boys and telling them how important it is to have it in your life.  I gave Walker an example of when we left a little late for his basketball game and how if we had left earlier we would've had "margin."  We wouldn't have been watching the clock all the way to the game to see if he would make it on time.  You could see that he understood the concept with that illustration.

He then looks at me, with that sweet, little face and says, "I know where you need to add margin, mom!"  

"Oh, where do you think?" I ask, rather curious.

He points his index finger up as he declares his brilliant suggestion, "Your temper!  You know because you always lose your temper!"

Ouch!  And that is when I shared "unflappable" with the boys.  And I wasn't angry about it.  Humbled, yes.  Angry, no.  It was actually pretty fun to let them in on it.  I think they were pretty happy to hear it too.

I'm certain God is going to do a great work.  As embarassing as it is to admit the work needs to be done, its at least doubly freeing to stop trying hide it.

There is nothing out of God's scope of possible.  There is not one thing that He would say, "oh, well that, no, that is a little too much to try and improve."  Not. One. Thing.

Do you have a thing?  If you didn't make a new year's goal, has this got you thinking about making one?  I'd be happy to pray with you about your one thing.  And I'd be honored if you'd pray for me throughout this year!

"Blessed is the man who trusts the Lord, and whose trust is the Lord.  For he will be like a tree planted by streams of water, that extends its roots by a stream, and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

*photo credit :: Scott Harding circa 2005, Algonquin Provincial Park

birthday boys!

Sweet, sweet boys. You are TWO! TWO! I had to say it twice because that's how shocking it is to me. The other day at Kohl's I said to your daddy, "I just wanna look at the baby clearance really quick." And he asked, "Why do you need to look at baby stuff?" I told him, just to see if there were any deals for the two of you. And you know what your daddy said to me? He said, "Well, I wouldn't call them babies!" What? I might still call you babies for awhile. Ok?

You two are just about as cute as can be for birthday boys.  You were truly delighted with your birthday shirts and banner.  The hats were a little on the annoying side - especially when the elastic got snapped - ouch!

Sweet Lincoln, you had to sneak a sample of the frosting before we could sing to you.  You are a seize-the-day kinda guy through and through.  You like to go, go, go and nine-times-out-of-ten you are thrilled with every, single, person that speaks to you.  Your laugh is contagious and you can easily get all of us laughing along with you with very little effort.  You love to give kisses to your family and toys alike... you even ask mommy & daddy to kiss some of your crib-mates.  Daddy isn't such a fan of this practice, but I don't think monkey, manatee, or your monster mind.  Your vocabulary is growing each day, especially words that name food or candy that you like.  And if we are having a hard time figuring out your new words, you say it slowly and loudly and you stare right at our faces.  You are determined.  Adorably so.

{momma has no clue what is up with the photo layout here}

You two were so cute with your cupcakes, intrigued that you both had two lit candles in front of you.  Within reach!  You did an excellent job blowing out your candles and an outstanding job eating those cupcakes!  Wilson did do some coaching alongside you.

You did really well unwrapping your presents... of course, you just had all that practice at Christmas.  Your big brothers "wrapped" your presents for you.  You didn't seem to mind the imperfections. 

Franklin, your sweetness is just pure sugar some days.  You are often "the shy one" but usually not after we tell people that.  You make some of THE funniest faces in the world.  And at just the right time.  Seriously, I think you have a great sense of humor even at age two, you seem to know just-the-right-time to say just-the-right-thing (or make just-the-right face).  You like to snuggle just a smidge more than Lincoln does and you have occasionally used this to your advantage at bed time.  Speaking of bedtime, your growing vocabulary is always evident right before bed.  You ask to "rock" or to snuggle on the "couch" or "pray" or "book" or I think last night you said, "song?"  You keep naming things until one hits the mark and pushes your bedtime back a few moments.  You are a smartie.  An adorable smartie.

I love this picture of all four of you playing with the new easel (and Mussy-ko-ko in the background).  This birthday has been so spectacular for us.  I know you won't remember a whole lot of it, but I think I am going to remember it for you.  Just a year ago, yesterday, we first met.  There were so many unknowns then.  Truthfully, the future always holds unknowns.  Thinking back to last year, I can remember so much of that day.  The excitement, the nervousness, the joy... it really isn't that different than when Wilson was born and I held him the first time.  I felt like I had no idea how to be a momma, but I was excited and nervous and joyful.  My heart grows fuller, babies, because of the blessings God has given us through the two of you.  {Yes, I said, babies!}  It has been a beautiful year of growing with you and I am thrilled to see what He has in store in the year to come.  God has answered our prayers in so many marvelous ways.  I trust He has good things in store for our family; just-right-things for us, for right-now.

"And Jesus answered saying to them:: Have faith in God.  Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'be taken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him.  Therefore, I say to you, all things which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."  Mark 11:22-24

the same, but different

This Christmas.

Things are different this year {IN SO MANY WAYS}. And yet, somehow the same.

Our family has grown by two!  After such a long, long wait. 

Last November, I thought our child(ren) would be home by Christmas.  I just believed they would be home.  Our caseworker had told me about a sibling set and I had even spoken to their foster parents.  I hadn't seen their faces.  {Thank you Jesus}. And as the days turned into weeks and November dwindled with not so much as a phone call, December began to feel heavy.  I had also hoped for a very special baby to be able to come home from the NICU by Christmas.  God knew these deep wishes in my heart, even if I wasn't that comfortable admitting just how desperately I wished for them.  He knew.  And as that first week of December dragged by, I spent more and more time in prayer - or really in quiet brokenness, because I didn't know what to pray.  And He met me there.  He always does. I can't put my finger on it, I don't have a beautiful image to give you, and I am not even certain it will make sense...but He gave me peace - the kind that goes beyond understanding.  And my heart knew my child(ren) were home... my heart had made a place for them, and God would fill in the details when the time came.  Our caseworker called around mid-December and told me that sibling set she had mentioned was in a different county now, but she was certain "2012 would be our year!"  Somehow her words were enough.  And that sweet baby wasn't yet able to come home for Christmas, but God told me He was faithful even in that.  While my heart was still heavy, it was also hopeful.  I left some Christmas decorations up longer than I normally would - a stubborn hope that our child(ren) would be coming any day.

January 11, we got the phone call that we had been matched with our boys.  And I felt like it was Christmas all over again.  Weeks later, sweet baby John Buckley was discharged from the NICU.

Oh what joy to wait on Him, the Giver of all good gifts!  This year had some bumps along the way, but there were many, many moments to celebrate as our family grew from 4 to 6.

As this Christmas approached, we considered not setting up our Christmas tree at all.  Our babies have one speed- GO!  They are healthy, active, inquisitive toddlers and we couldn't be happier about that.  We put out our nativity sets... the nicest one is a little further out of reach than it has been in the past.  We put out a tabletop tree in the kitchen and our little light-up Christmas village buildings too.  By December 1, though, we decided we should put up our tree too.  The big boys chose a few of their ornaments from their boxes to hang way-up-high, non-breakables only.  We bought a box of shatterproof bulbs to hang too.  Our garland covers the top 2/3 of the tree.  I put out the wonky tree skirt that I had made years ago.  A lot of the same, but still different.  It looked nearly perfect ;)  ...until the babies discovered they could drag that silly tree skirt all over the living room.  Or wear it like a cape.

Thankfully, Dayspring had chosen me to receive the No Greater Love Than Jesus- Reversible Tree Skirt from their Redeemed Christmas line.  I was a little over-the-top excited when it came.

It really is the perfect fit for our tree.  And nobody can wear it like a cape because it ties securely with two ties - which is two more ties than the tree skirt I had made years ago. 

 Its reversible which is all-kinds-of-fun.  I am especially fond of the side that says, "no greater love than Jesus."  I can't think of a better reminder for beneath the tree.

Most days Lincoln and Franklin spend some time lying under the tree while their big brothers are at school. And most of the days, if I am quiet and listen, I am reminded that God brought these gifts home to us at just the right time.  He redeems the waiting time.  He loves so deeply, so carefully, so intimately.  At Christmas, I am thankful for His love and overwhelmed by His good gifts. 

It's helpful to have it spelled out right there like that - because sometimes I forget how truly blessed I am, how deeply my Redeemer loves.

***Dayspring sent me the tree skirt for free (awesome, right?) but the opinions about it, are all my own.***

P.S. the tree skirt is on sale right now.  Big time.  Click here to check it out!

and the tears keep falling...

...and there are no answers.  Not really.

Brad told me while I was driving across town Friday.  "There was a school shooting, 26 dead most of them children."  So while I merged into the left lane I could not answer him.  I could not speak; the tears, the ache in my stomach, the hurt in my heart.  And he says, "Are you still there?"  So I tell him I can't bear it.  Its so awful.  And every adjective I know seems small in comparison to this kind of horror.  At a school.  An elementary school.

Today the tears still come.  I ache for families I don't know.  I weep for children that have had to huddle in a bathroom and listen to nearby gunfire.  There are presents tucked away in closets that will not be wrapped.  There are half-finished Christmas projects in elementary classrooms that are circled with crime scene tape.

And I wonder as I watch the footage, did someone go collect the winter coats for those children that escaped the horror?  I know they hugged their parents on that cold Connecticut day without coats.  And my mind lingers on the coats, because its easier to wonder if they have coats then to think any deeper.  And I scold myself a little for being so concerned with their coats.

I cried before church.  I almost cried while the preschoolers danced crazy to "Big House."  The tears spilled as we sang Christmas carols in service and wondered how these families will ever hear the carols again.  I cried as I read the newspaper.  I wondered aloud to Brad if I should just go shut our bedroom door and wail and weep and mourn and moan.  If I cried enough, would the tears stop?  If I really got a good cry out, would it end?  Or would it just keep happening?  And he in his wisdom said, "it will keep happening."

He's right.  I've seen some of those sweet baby faces now, and heard snippets of their much-too-short-stories.  And my tears spill again.  and my stomach feels sick, and my heart feels faint.  And I pray, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, be near, come quickly, hold close."  My mind wonders how?  How can these families walk into their baby's bedrooms?  How can they look at their Christmas trees?  How can they breathe?  Oh my God.  Its too much. 

But God.

He is compassionate, so He reminds me that He is able.
{be compassionate just as your Father is compassionate. luke 6:36 ceb}

He is the Comforter.  
{blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 corinthians 1:3-4}

He is the Healer.  
{and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. 1 peter 2:24}

He is Immanuel.  God with us.
{“the virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”). matthew 1:23 niv}

He is here. 
{where can I go from Your Spirit? or where can I flee from Your presence? psalm 139:7}

He wraps His arms around Newtown.
{I am surrounded by trouble, but you protect me against my angry enemies.  with your own powerful arm you keep me safe.  psalm 138:7}

He is near the brokenhearted. 
{the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. psalm 34:18}

He carries the weak.  
{come to me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest.  matthew 11:28}

He weeps with those who weep. 
{when Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, “where have you laid him?” they said to Him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. john 11:33-35}

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Only Him.

He does not scold me for crying long and often.  He hears my cries and my prayers for this broken world.  My arms are heavy with the blessings of my family this Christmas, while at the same time my heart aches for those with empty arms.  Tears fill my eyes.  Those families far away.  The first responders that saw horrors worse than any imagination can fathom.  Those parents that fell broken at the news their babies were gone.  Tears fill my eyes.  The hurt down deep is only matched by the gratitude for the blessings He has so richly given me.  He urges me to count those blessings.

Tears came again this morning.  I hugged my boys extra tight. I snuck notes into their lunch bags even though the 4th grader has repeatedly asked me not to.   I even wrote notes to their teachers. Two women that God has chosen to teach our boys this year, I told them "thank you."  Through tears I wrote in flowing cursive how deeply grateful I am that they care for our boys so well.  I told them that I expect the best from them, that I do not doubt for a minute that would do everything in their power to keep their students safe - and I wanted them to know that I was grateful for that confidence in them.  I wanted each of them to know that they are appreciated.

The tears will continue this week.  No doubt.  As I see those sweet faces, and hear the brave stories; I will continue to beg Jesus to hold and comfort and bring mercy to us here. I won't seek for answers, I won't ask "why."   I will hug tighter and hold closer and make sure words are not left unsaid.  I will believe  God's word to be true and trust that He is enough.  I have no other choice.

finally final!

Here is a little slideshow of our boys. It is mostly in chronological order. I had made another one, but for some reason it turned out all choppy & weird. Brad swooped in and saved the day by quickly transferring pictures to this version last night. {I had originally added captions with the babies' names on their photos. You'll have to just watch closely and look for the color-coding hints... generally Lincoln wears red and Franklin wears green. So if one of those colors is more dominate you can guess who is who. But SO many of our clothes for the boys have been given to us and therefore the color-coding isn't super consistent.}
 


The song is "Mine to Love" by Dave Barnes.

Thankful!

We have so very much to be thankful for this year. Including each person that added a feather to our Turkey this year (and we're thankful for those of you that didn't too - you know who you are!) 

We tried a couple variations of the picture, the sitting one didn't last long and turned out a smidge blurry, as you can see.  The standing pose above, well, the babies r-e-a-l-l-y wanted to get their hands on some of those crosses on the cross wall!

We had a great Thanksgiving celebration.  The babies were absolutely thrilled with the amount of food and the number of choices they were given.  Brad had to work in the morning, but thankfully he was home all afternoon.  We are truly blessed!

"Always be joyful. Never stop praying.  Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 

 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

National Adoption Month

first meeting

Did you even know that the month of November is dedicated to adoption awareness?  I'm not sure I did until we started on this process. 

Oh, and fun fact :: I thought our child(ren) would be placed in our home during that first National Adoption Month after we finished our home study in 2010.  And get this - I thought the adoption would be finalized by the end of that same month.  It is almost laughable now {praise God} but I really believed it would be fast.  And easy.

Our experience with adoption has been neither fast nor easy.  But we have learned a whole lot.  Some things we've learned, if I'm being honest, I'd like to unlearn.  There are some hard truths out in the adoption world.  Things that unsettle, unhinge, and more or less just wreck a person.  And once you are wrecked, you can't be unwrecked.  But the glory of it is that God makes something beautiful in that messy space.  And that wreck in your heart becomes a humble place for obedience.  So, maybe I don't want to unlearn it after all.

second meeting

 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing, but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."  Psalm 68:5-6



 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

"But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, so that mere earthly mortal  will never again strike terror." Psalm 10:14, 17-18

All that to say.  There are a few things I want to tell you in honor of National Adoption Month.  And its sort of hard to even know where to start.  Don't worry, this is not a post to try and convince you to adopt.  I'm pretty certain the Holy Spirit has got that covered.  Rather, its just a bit about how to be a part of adoption in general.  More than anything, I think, I want you to know that you have a role to play.  And its important.  Here's why:

1.  A lot of people don't know very much about adoption.  See the 2nd paragraph and you will know that I was once one of the ignorant ones.  I do not mean ignorant in the sense of idiotic so much as lacking-information.  Its not an insult, its an observation.  Folks just do not know things.  And they don't realize that they don't know...so they say things that lead you to an awkward place really quickly.  This can be a very isolating and frustrating experience for the adoptive family.  For example a nurse at the doctor's office recently launched into a tale of a baby with FAS and all of his issues after learning that the babies with us were our new sons.  Awkward. And not helpful.

2.  Adoption is expensive.  But so are children in general.  Somewhere along our journey after yet another well-meaning-encourager told me how great it was that we were adopting from foster care instead of "paying all that money to get a baby from somewhere else" it hit me.  Babies cost money.  Each one.  I haven't done the math, but I think if I added up the costs from when I was pregnant for all of my doctor's visits, prenatal vitamins, blood tests, labwork, ultrasounds, acupuncture, adjustments, maternity clothes (why not?), plus all the costs of labor + delivery... we'd be awfully close to the price of an agency-assisted adoption.  {And maybe beyond that price with my induction + epidural with Walker.}  And while we aren't really paying anything out-of-pocket for our adoption, the State is paying. There is still a cost.  And I am certain that there is not a price you could tell us today that we would say, "No way, these babies are not worth that much!"  Every child is worth it. 

3.  Adoption is a battlefield.  I feel like we have had to fight {hard + often} along the way.  I know other adoptive families that have done the same.  I have had people in church pull me aside and whisper "why are you adopting?", and I've felt judgement when I expected joy.  Somehow, the horror stories in adoption are the stories that Christians retell most often.  I don't know why, but I have a theory.  I think Satan hates adoption.  Russell Moore wrote an excellent book called, "Adopted for Life" and in it he writes, "The gospel of Jesus Christ means our families and churches ought to be at the forefront of the adoption of orphans close to home and around the world.  As we become more attuned to the gospel, we'll have more of a burden for orphans.  As we become more adoption-friendly, we'll be better able to understand the gospel."  Moore does clarify that he doesn't believe Christians should adopt out of some sort of obligation like donating to the building fund.  And to be clear, we do not believe that either.

So you might be wondering what role you have to play in all of this. 


In a nutshell : Learn, pray, give. 


Learn more about adoption, might I suggest you read "Adopted for Life" as a starting point?  This was the first book I read after we felt certain we should adopt.  Rather than convince us of anything, it confirmed what we already knew - and put it into words that helped us understand better how God was leading us through His story.  I think reading it would help anyone have a better understanding of adoption as it relates to Jesus...both as the act of adopting a child and the process of becoming an adopted Child of God. Having more knowledge about adoption will allow you to be a support for those families that are adopting, and help avoid awkward conversations!   [Click here for purchasing information!]

One of the absolute best things we did in our journey is ask others to pray.  I have a chicken-scratch-list of emails on a notecard near our computer and I emailed this group of ladies regularly about how the process was moving along (or not moving along).  These ladies encouraged me in my worn-out-weary-state more often than I can say.  Their well-timed words were soothing, encouraging, and strengthening.  They are forever a part of our family's adoption story.   They continue to be a vital part of this process.   So if you know someone that is considering adoption or is in the process of adopting... volunteer to pray with them.  And then do it.  Often.  This will help in the battlefield of adoption more than you or I can know.

And one more practical thing you can do?  Give.  If you know a family that is adopting there is a good chance that they are needing to raise funds.  Not always, but often. So ask what they need.  And give.  Maybe you can trade services or goods, or host a yard sale.  You might be able to offer something that will translate into funds for them, even if you can't hand over cash.  Whatever you can give will help with the expense of adoption.

And if we happen to be the only family that you know personally that is in the middle of this adoption journey, well, I have a suggestion. ;)

I am guessing that if you have read this far than you r-e-a-l-l-y love our family.  And there is a good chance that you would have given as much as you could if we had needed you to.  But God provided for our adoption in another way.  So today I'd like you to consider if you might like to make a donation in Lincoln and Franklin's honor to help bring home some baby girls from India.  My friend, Aimee, and her husband and two boys are adopting two sweet girls from India.  God has brought in an astonishing $37,000 toward their adoption and they are in the final push for the remaining $10,000.  I assure you, every little bit helps.   I will send you an email with further details about donating to their adoption.  Leave a comment or email me if you would like this information.

long awaited and somehow unexpected

Only God.  He gives us a dream, a hope, a heart-desire.  And this broken-down-world seems slow, and procedures seem pointless.  But He promises.  And we wait.  With expectation.  And He gives confidence to the expectant heart.  So we wait with hope.  Psalm 33:20 - We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

This journey to our boys has been long.  And its been hard.  Our blog has been quiet through most of this process, and I regret today that you might not know all the twists and turns and heartaches and setbacks that have been intermingled with the laughter and joy and belly laughs and messy hands.  I pray that your not-knowing will not diminish the BIGNESS of what our God has done. Psalm 40:5 - Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

We met these sweet boys nine months ago.  {Yes, nine months.} And this week, the state of GA released them to us for the purpose of adoption.  We signed all the necessary paperwork and now we wait to go to court.  (At that paperwork-signing-meeting we found out that the State is waiving the six-month-post-placement period because they have been in our home for so long.  Oh and we found out that the State will pay for the adoption costs and that the babies qualify for federal adoption assistance.)

And in the middle of all this good news, can you guess the thing that has just totally blown me away this week?  Is that I didn't know THIS WAS THE WEEK.  I've longed for it, begged for it, believed it was coming - and yet somehow our God can still surprise an expectant heart.  And in doing so, He has reminded me of the greatest story - of the long-awaited Messiah and the surprising way He came.  And isn't it like God to remind us that our story is always a part of a bigger Story?  Always.

And I can't help but think of Mary's song to God upon hearing her good news -  Luke 1:46-55

“With all my heart I glorify the Lord! In the depths of who I am I rejoice in God my savior.  He has looked with favor on the low status of his servant. Look! From now on, everyone will consider me highly favored because the mighty one has done great things for me. Holy is his name. He shows mercy to everyone, from one generation to the next, who honors him as God. He has shown strength with his arm. He has scattered those with arrogant thoughts and proud inclinations. He has pulled the powerful down from their thrones and lifted up the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things and sent the rich away empty-handed. He has come to the aid of his servant Israel remembering his mercy, just as he promised to our ancestors, to Abraham and to Abraham’s descendants forever.”

And isn't this the sweetest treasure that God has blessed us with this Truth for Lincoln & Franklin's story too?  I feel small, and humbled, and amazed, and grateful.  Psalm 8:3-4 - When I look up at your skies; at what your fingers made- the moon and the stars that you set firmly in place- what are human beings that you think about them; what are human beings that you pay attention to them?
                            

**All photographs are courtesy of Lasting Frame Photography, or as the boys call her "Aunt Emily"  

...and for the sake of helping you determine "who is who" this picture helps with that a bit.  Lincoln M. Lutz has the blue shorts on, his face is a little fuller; we generally describe his face as a round oval.  Franklin T. Lutz has the darker shorts on, his eyes are a bit more round, at times his face looks thinner, at other times just as round.   God has also blessed them with distinguished birthmarks for easy recognition if you're in a pinch.  Franklin's is on his shoulder and Lincoln's is on his thigh. ;)  And they have very distinct personalities. ;)

long weekend

 Sometimes I forget that we still have a blog.  Ooops.  The boys had a long weekend, and thankfully Brad had Friday off too!  We went to a place called The Farmhouse.  We had lunch then checked out the farm.

 

 

I adore this picture of the four of them.  It kinda captures their personalities perfectly.

 And this is a collage of my attempts to get a picture of all four boys together in the "pumpkin patch."  You really need to click on the collage to see the facial expressions... especially Walker in the first and last picture!  {They call it a pumpkin patch, but really its just a bunch of pumpkins sitting around that were trucked in from who knows where.}

the turning

This summer has been a tough one.  I've wrestled with putting pen to paper and listing out every hard thing - from the little to the big. I wondered if I saw just how many "various trials" there were that somehow I could find balance in the heaviness I still carry.

But I don't think that is the answer.  Seeing it all in black and white.

No, I want to see it through the lens of His grace.  The grace that carries, chases, and holds close.  The grace that says you don't have to try-hard or strive more or dig deeper.  The grace that says let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.

Yes, I want to remember the summer of 2012 as a milestone of God's amazing grace in my life.

I re-read Grace for the Good Girl slow with some awesome women {good girls, really}.  I am reading Grace-Based Parenting.  And its grace upon grace upon grace in my life.  As the big boys start school and challenges continue to pile up - with a quick trip to MI, and an important long-awaited-court-decision pushed back two weeks, and a potential "permanent profile" for Brad.

I sense that the hardness of the summer is lingering.  And its still heavy.  I plead to let peace rule.  As often as it takes.  Behind the steering wheel, in the shower through tears, after disappointments resurface.  And His grace finds me.

There have been a handful of out-of-the-blue-THIS-is-THE-life-moments in my life.  Times when it almost feels like a picture was taken and a caption was written "You are exactly where you are supposed to be right this very moment."  

I'm not talking about a wedding day, or a baby's birth, or a redeployment ceremony, or even that sweet moment when your grandparents meet their great-grandchild.  No, I'm not referring to the obvious "I ADORE THIS WONDERFUL LIFE" moments ... I have so many of those.  And they are certainly part of my stored up treasures that I revisit during hard times.

However, every once in awhile when everything isn't right, when there hasn't been a conclusion, when relationships still hang tense...Grace finds me and gives me that out-of-the-blue-THIS-is-THE-life-moment anyway.  I have a pretty crappy memory, but these moments I can recall perfectly.  I remember that moment driving down the mountain from Julian to Oceanside with my window down, and jammed onto a smelly bus with my knees alternated between Gambian knees, and after driving through the gate between open fields and Wilson's school while Brad was deployed - these vivid, etched-in-my-brain moments of God whispering, "Child you are exactly where I want you to be right this very moment - and I know its hard even still, but believe me I am with you."

This weekend as 5 out of 6 of us battle a cold and we head into Brad's crazy week... God gave me that moment.  I'll add it to my treasury.

It was late Saturday - late for us is after 10pm these days.  All of our boys were in bed.  Brad was prepping the coffee for Sunday morning.  I walked up the stairs, and turned the corner just past the loud creak, and I paused - deciding whether or not to hide and scare Brad when he came up the stairs {because we are very mature around here}.

And Grace found me.  And peace rushed over me.  And I knew in that moment that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.  As I stood in the glow of the nightlight, I breathed that deep breath of joy. And smiled wide  And decided not to scare Brad this time.

I turned the corner.  Peace rules.  Grace wins.  Always.

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful."  

Colossians 3:15

This post "When you are finding it hard to keep up {Chased by Grace}" by Ann Voskamp speaks of this Grace in a much more beautiful way than I ever could.

so we won't ever forget

I made some artwork as a reminder of our little-sesame-seed-size-baby and our God's faithfulness in the middle of heartbreak.  We considered buying some artwork, but I couldn't find any that fit my font-criteria & was budget-friendly.  So, I used some old fabric to wrap the mat board and Microsoft publisher for the rest.  And a cheapo frame from Micheal's.  I love it, not too girly, not too boyish... just perfect in my opinion.  The verse really was an anchor for me.  Even while I was in the ER that long Saturday, there was a song in my head that references this verse - "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand".

I had considered some sort of artwork with a sesame seed, because this little itty-bitty baby will always be connected to that for me.  When I went to the due-date calculator, the little write-up about "Your Baby at Five Weeks" said it was the size of a sesame seed. So tiny, yet life-changing all at the same time.

I'm not sure if you can get the jpeg from here or not, but if you want it and this doesn't work, just let me know ;)

eighteen months

Today is your half-birthday. We aren't really half-birthday-celebrators. But, we are still making up a little bit for those days before you were home. So momma dressed you in your cutie-rompers-that-are-almost-too-small and drew on the sidewalk with chalk. Because I am marking this day in my memory bank, babies!

Neither of you are really all that impressed with photo-shoots. You were interested in the chalk a bit. And while a photo of both of you looking at the camera at the same time was a little too much, I did manage a couple of cute shots of both of you together.

And a couple cute shots of each of you on your own.  

You are such a cheeser when you want to be, sweet boy!  You are ready for whatever the day brings you, as long as there are snacks and some outside-play-time.

I can barely take your adorableness at times.  Yes, I am your momma, and adorableness is totally an acceptable way to describe you.

And you, little man, with your fake-surprise-face.  Oh, let me always remember it.

You would really rather be on the go than sitting still.  And I get that.  You are healthy, and inquisitive, and all the things an 18-month old baby should be.  I can still call you 'baby', right?

This might be my favorite, because it captures the fact that you both would rather look anywhere than at the silly camera. 

And one more of you with your lovies. 

You are 18 months old today.  You giggle with glee at your brothers.  You love the big, white dog.  You will eat almost anything you are offered, unless of course, it is a vegetable.  Recently, you've both determined that jumping in your cribs as high and as hard as you possibly can is THE. GREATEST. THING. EVER.  You both are gathering more words in your vocabulary on a daily basis.  

We love you dearly, babies.  More than your little-18-month-old-brains can possibly comprehend.  

We have a few more steps in this process until we all have matching last names.  We are praying that God will allow each step to happen just the way it needs to, and I am asking Him to hold my momma-heart-close as we wait for that finalization day.  I trust His timing, and I believe His word.  You are safely secured in our hearts.  The rest is just paperwork. 

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I put my hope."

Psalm 130:5

p.s. Grandparents -  if you click on a picture, they should open in a bigger screen so you can take in the cuteness more easily.

junior

 On a summer Tuesday we draw pictures for a boy in Uganda.  

We draw clouds and sky and grass.

We pick a verse and put it on construction paper.

We choose stickers and write a letter.  We tell him we are praying for him and his family.  We are grateful to reply to his note, and throw in some extras for fun.  Junior's most recent letter to us... he wrote without the help of a translator!  Its the first letter of the kind with no one else transcribing his words.  We are seeing this boy grow.  And we marvel that we get to be a part of it.

So as we write, we do it together.  Babies put crayon to paper, while the rest of us do our part. (And shortly thereafter, crayons to mouth, naturally).

We are blessed to be a part of Junior's life.  We celebrate when we get a letter.  I get teary-eyed when we get a new picture.  This is one of the most marvelous ways to remind our family that we are blessed... and that we can be a blessing to others ... and in turn, we are blessed even more.  Over and over!

If you don't already, would you consider sponsoring a child?  We sponsor through Compassion International. Click here to check it out. 

four boys.

Just thought I'd post a couple pictures that I adore of our kiddos and balloons. You can probably figure this out, the first one was taken on Walker's birthday and the second one was taken on Wilson's birthday.  I've learned even in that short span of time (less than a month between those two birthdays), to stress less about having all eight eyes on the camera.  So when we all look back on those pictures of the tops of heads instead of faces we remember laughter instead of momma screaming "look at me, look at me, look at me, keep your eyes on my camera, would you just look... etc, etc."  And really, laughing memories are much better.  Slow and steady, we'll win this race.

nine!

for real? 

My first born is NINE.  Oh Willy-Bills!  Before you came along I was a teacher.  And now I am a mom.  The way I identify myself totally changed once you came in my world!  Crazy, huh?

You know the day before you were born I was anxious to meet you.  So anxious, in fact, that I brewed up some Raspberry Tea and added a shot of Castor Oil to it.  Supposedly those things can make a momma have a baby faster.  And I don't know if it was my magic mix or if somehow your tiny-self decided it was time; but the next night I held you in my arms.  I know that it was really God's perfect timing.

And, by the way,  I still can't believe that all you have to do is give birth and the hospital people let you bring that baby home with you.

But we did bring you home, didn't we?  And since you are the first born, each year is a new first for us.  Your dad and I have never ever been parents to a nine year old before.  So we'll be learning right along with you... as always.

Wilson, 8 was really a big year for you.  You know that right?  I couldn't get over how well you connected with your classmates this year.  It was so fun to listen in on the conversations in your classroom on the Fridays when I came to help out.  When one of your classmates came to our church and ran over and said, "Hi Wilson's mom!  You know Wilson is like the smartest kid in 3rd grade?"  I will always remember that.  Its something I call 'treasure' and son, you've given me a lot of it.

Speaking of church, the last time I was volunteering I watched you sit and chat with one of the boys sitting in your row.  Just having a full-blown-8-year-old-boy conversation.  I just loved it.  We had pegged you a bit as being "the quiet, shy one."  But this year, you've kinda taught us to be careful about how we peg.  

Now you want to play football!  I am so excited for you to try this out again.  Although, I am not sure that we should count your just-barely-three-year-old football experience as actual football experience.  It was hilarious to watch those videos the other night.  At first I laughed so hard that tears came in my eyes, and then the tears stayed because I am a mom.  And there is such a teeny-tiny-line between laughing tears and sorrow tears.  Because babies grow up.  And fast.

And you hate it a little when I get all teary & mushy.  You've been around for so much of my teary & mushy, and your sensitive heart always tries to encourage or make a joke.  I love that sensitive heart of yours.  God has carefully crafted you in such a way that makes you a fantastic big brother.  Even with the giant changes in our family this year and your big-brother-responsibilities growing in BIG ways, you've managed to do your best.  You've adapted to sharing a room again, and you've found ways to play with Walker more often... even if you would really rather be reading! You make the babies giggle so easily.  I am proud of you.  So proud.

I know NINE is going to be fantastic.  It will probably go too fast.  So let's try our best to really take it one day at a time.  I know God has BIG plans for you this year, I am honored to get to be a part of it all with you!

five days

We knew for sure for five days.  But deep down, I’m pretty certain I knew before that pregnancy test.  And I couldn’t believe it.  I inwardly giggled at the commissary as I bought diapers, dog food and a pregnancy test.  I almost took a picture on instagram to record the moment.  If you are in my inner circle then you might know that I think I’m pregnant a few times a year, regardless of seemingly insurmountable circumstances.  The $1 pregnancy tests at the commissary have been an inexpensive way to disprove my pregnancy-related-thoughts.  Somehow, I thought this time might be different.

I never wait until the time is up to look at a pregnancy test.  I’m too impatient.  So when the control line was the only one to appear - some ugly lies started yammering in my brain - “You are so stupid, like God would really allow you to be pregnant right now.  Seriously?  You thought He would?”  - but another voice started up almost immediately, “That is NOT what THIS is about.   God called you to this moment whether this test says you are pregnant or not, You are His and He loves you…” and I kid you not, the faintest of faint lines began to appear.  I picked up the test and held it close, I scoured my memory, never before had these $1 pregnancy tests shown even a glimmer of a 2^nd line.  I was pregnant! 

 

Brad had to work late.  I intended on waiting until the next morning to even take the test, but again with the impatience.  So when he came home at 11:30 or midnight or who knows what time, I was still awake.  Wide-eyed.  I ran downstairs and he looked puzzled, I blurted out, “I can’t sleep” and he noticed I was holding something in my hands and he asked, “You’re pregnant?”  And he wore the biggest smile because he knew the answer.  And there wasn’t any stress or concern, just a smile and then a big hug; followed by “Number Five!”  

We weren’t sure what the caseworker would think.  We weren’t sure really what anyone would think.  Brad was working his crazy-schedule-week so we hadn’t even really discussed when we’d tell anyone.  We were giddy and shocked and giddy.  I wasn’t so shocked that we would eventually have 5 kids as I was shocked that I was pregnant again.  I kinda thought we would just adopt again.  I wondered about my much-older-than-the-last-time body.  And thought I should try NOT to gain 60 + pounds this time.  We knew we had a court date scheduled for mid-August so maybe we could just wait until the adoption was finalized before letting the cat out of the bag.  That would give us plenty of time to settle in to the idea of a maxed-out mini-van; and figure out how to reply to the sure-to-come comments like, “you know how that happens right?”  I worried that Wilson and Walker might never have their own bedrooms again, Brad assured me that this was a first-world-problem, and I laughed because he was right.

We savored our secret.  I think we were both much more excited than either one of us really expected.  It felt irresponsible and brave all at the same time.  FIVE kids!  We knew God would provide for us.  That was never an issue.  

We found out on Tuesday with that $1 test.  We bought some fancier, more expensive tests on Thursday and, of course, one confirmed it.  It was a twin pack, so I had an extra left over. 

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.  Five days.  Not even five full days.

I woke up Saturday morning feeling sick.  Headache and nausea.  And some bleeding.  I was convinced it was nothing, it would go away.  I have this weird response to nausea, I eat.  I know it goes back to my post-Africa-stomach-issues; so I made myself eat breakfast and drink some coffee.  Brad was worried.  I told him I was OK.  I felt awful.  I went to lie down.  I don’t even know exactly what happened that morning.  The bleeding didn’t stop.  The headache got worse, my breakfast came back.  I remember thinking my body was fighting for this pregnancy.  I remember trying to talk my body into fighting hard.  Brad drove me to the ER.  I got sick on the way.  I thought about a story about an ectopic pregnancy and asked Brad if he was my “ICE contact” in my phone.  I wasn’t sure my legs would carry me in when he pulled to the door.  I just wanted it to all be better.  

I walked in to the ER and told them what was happening, “I think I am having a miscarriage.”  Of course, the words will barely come out through the tears.  I feel weak and silly and mad at my body.  “I have a bad headache, and I can’t keep anything down.”  She asks me how far along I am, “I think I am 4-5 weeks, I haven’t seen my PCM yet and didn’t know what to do so I came here; I didn’t have a doctor to call.”  She takes my card and I go sit down.  I think to myself that maybe my running shorts weren’t a good choice.  Brad texts me to let me know he is waiting in the parking lot for a bit. 

I feel a little like everyone in the waiting room is wondering what is wrong with this crying lady.  I tell myself no one in the ER really cares.  

When I get called back, I get hooked up to a bp cuff, and heart rate monitor.  I’m in a private ob-gyn room off the main ER bay.  I get to change into a gown and sit on a bed.  I’m relieved a little bit about the running shorts.  The doc comes in shortly, I tell him my LMP date.  I tell him I just had a physical on the 20^th, I tell him I took a pregnancy test on the 26^th.  He decides to give me an IV, run bloodwork, do a pelvic exam and an ultrasound.  He also gave me some Tylenol. My headache continues but the nausea subsides.  Brad texts some people from church.  He asks me if I want anyone to sit with me.  I don’t.  He would be the only one I would want there, but I want him with the boys.  And since we are still foster-to-adopt parents of our babies, we can’t just call a friend to watch them, it would have to be a state-approved caregiver.  That stresses me out to think about.  I want Brad with them.  

I don’t feel alone though.  I know I am not alone.  Whenever the nurse leaves my little room, I close my eyes, and let the hot tears well up.  I tell my Savior that I know I am not alone.  I trust Him to carry us through this.  Brad and I texted back and forth the whole time, my favorite text from him said, “God is good, we just gotta trust Him.” 

Finally the doctor comes in and says it’s a “threatened abortion.”  I hate that word.  I know it also means miscarriage.  He tells me there’s a 50/50 chance of this pregnancy continuing.  He tells me that the body will do this if there is a problem with the pregnancy, it will take care of it.  Or something.  I don’t remember exactly.  He said the ultrasound was inconclusive and that I needed to get my hCG checked on Monday.

Everything in me hoped this would be one of those “close calls.” I sent an email to my praying girlfriends, although I had no idea how to ask them to pray.  Our parents and siblings all knew and were praying too.  We did our best to explain things to Wilson and Walker…even though I know they were still both confused about it all.   I think Brad knew early on how this would end.  He didn’t rush me to the same conclusion.  Even after the bleeding continued he didn’t make me feel silly for hoping maybe just maybe.  I think I am pretty good about realizing how awesome my husband is, but oh my, does he shine during tough times.  My words would really be lacking if I tried to elaborate on how well he cared for me, for all of us, during these days.

I spent much of the day Monday googling about “threatened abortions at week 5”.  I’m not proud of it, I was just hoping to find something to make it ok.  I found out late Monday that my hCG went down.  Brad was at work.  The babies were sleeping.  Wilson and Walker were watching TV.  I just laid on the bed and sobbed.  I knew there were people that wanted to know what we found out, but I couldn’t bring myself to call or text any of them.  I thought there was going to be a miracle.  I cried some more.  I told God how awful all of this felt.  I told Him that I didn’t feel like telling anyone.   I just wanted to lie there and close my eyes and wake up with it all over… like a nightmare you wake up from.  I know people were praying even in these moments because I was protected from accusations cropping up in my mind.  I felt sorrow, but I didn’t feel guilt.

A week later and I still do not know the first thing about how to process this.  I cannot believe how incredibly painful this is.  We only knew for 5 days.  And I will carry this loss all of my days.  In many ways, I feel God spared me some pain, like if we had seen a heartbeat, or ultrasound pictures, if we had made our ‘big announcement;’ while at the same time I feel that we missed out on so much because this pregnancy only lasted a few short days.  We’ve been left with nothing to show for it.  Those stupid digital pregnancy tests just show a blank screen after a day instead of the word “pregnant.”  And I’m mad about it.  And the tears come so easy.  And my heart feels so broken.  And I have four beautiful boys that bring so much joy to my day, but there is still an ache for a baby I will never hold; that I never even got to feel the weight of.  And it is a heavy burden.  There is a word that keeps rising in me, as I muddle through fleeting pregnancy hormones, the word is cruel – to still ‘feel pregnant’ when there is no baby growing, I can’t think of a better word for it.  I know my God is not cruel, but I am reminded again that this world is.  And this is not my home. 

I feel a little tossed about.  But I am certain that the anchor holds.  And while, technically there is nothing tangible to show for this pain, I will hold tightly to the memory of the night we found out… that priceless, indescribable look on Brad’s face.  I will treasure the reminders of God’s faithfulness in that ER room as the tears fell slow.  I have the emails and texts from friends & family that reassured me of their prayers and God’s goodness.  The sweet hopefulness of a biggest brother, that thought maybe this would be a girl, and that middle brother that asked me just yesterday, “if the doctors were sure this was a miscarriage.”  I didn’t expect them to be excited too.  God has shown me again how big their little hearts are.  

So my heart hurts.  But my faith grows.  I know He has good things in store for us.  I don’t doubt it.  I don’t know how, where, or when, but I don’t doubt it.  I know He comforts carefully and faithfully.  He led me to this anchor verse to tie me down and hold me safe, if you get a chance you should read the verses surrounding it to, 

“We have this hope as an anchor for our soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19a