welcoming

"is wishing I could give my husband a hug."

That was my facebook status 8 years ago today...back when you updated your status in some sort of first-person sentence or some such. It pops up in my timehop each year now, reminding me of the day that Brad's Aunt Linda passed away. He was deployed, we were in Oklahoma and our family was in Michigan.  I wished more than anything that I could give him a hug that evening.

It has become a habit to spend some time thinking about her on this day, remembering the moments I had with her.  We didn't have a long history and we didn't spend many occasions together.  But the time with her lodged deep within and I carry it with me.

I admired that she was a creative; how she embraced her art and shared it well.  I felt I could have asked her a billion questions about all of it, but I never did.  I hope I told her that I adored her work.

a lampshade Aunt Linda painted, it brightens my workspace

Beyond her creativity though, was an inner warmth that drew you in.  I will never forget a particular time when she encouraged me so deeply.  We were at a family wedding, Brad was deployed.  I was there in all my social awkwardness. As we entered the reception after a few family photos, I felt alone and on edge.  The immediate family was all in the bridal party so they were all seated together on stage. My in-laws were occupied with parents-of-the-groom things and I didn't even know where to sit with my boys.  I sat nervously at a table by myself with Wilson - The Non-eater; and Walker - The Unpredictable. Aunt Linda and Uncle David came up, and Aunt Linda graciously asked if anyone was sitting there. The way she phrased the question allowed me to invite them to join me without it seeming like I was a loner. When they sat with me, others joined us soon after. As the meal got under way, I wondered if somehow Wilson's lack of appetite or Walker's lack of table manners would be off-putting to Aunt Linda and Uncle David.  I was a bit of a sweaty-wreck over it.  They had five well-behaved children and I was feeling all sorts of insecurities.  As we ate, Aunt Linda told a story about when her kids were younger, about how Uncle David had been travelling a lot; and someone did something absurd in public.  I wish I could remember the whole story, I can't.  All I remember is that as she shared with me, I felt welcomed and accepted and loved. My insecurity melted away and the tension in my shoulders faded. She simply shared a story and in doing so, she touched my heart in a profound way that I will never forget.

When December 15 rolls around and I think about her, I pray God would make me a bit like Aunt Linda, that He would weave a welcoming spirit into my soul, that I would be one that makes those around me feel accepted and loved.

Preparing a Table

"You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever." Psalm 23:5-6

A new school year is always a time of reflection for me.  And this year, the time for reflecting has been unfolding slowly.  I have felt rushed and stretched more than ever, which has been surprising because its the first time that all four boys are in school all day.  I've been hustling and reaching my goals for each day, but its felt pretty hallow and instead of feeling accomplished I have been left feeling frantic.  My soul was not made to make lists and crush goals.  I crave quiet and creativity.  If I forget to leave space for those things, it doesn't matter how many things I mark off of my to-do-list, I will still feel incredibly empty at the end of the day.  I know this about myself, yet I forget.   Or I think "its a new season, maybe it'll be different."  But no matter the season, my wiring remains true.  

So this week, I didn't go to any group fitness classes.  I went for long walks with a few soul-feeding podcasts, and I made time to sit and read.  I let myself doodle without an end-product in mind.  

Not surprisingly, I felt less frantic, less stretched.  God meets me in those quiet, creative places and I miss Him when I don't remember to slow down.  I had this vision of sorts, of Him setting a table before me.  With the boys all in school, its as if the table has been completely cleared.  And everyone has asked me "what will you do now that they are all in school?"  So I kept trying to figure out what to pile up on this table.  I felt an urgency to have a satisfactory answer for how I fill my time.   

And, finally, this week God said, "Let me set the table.  Trust me to put what is best before you.  Just stay at your seat, don't grasp, don't hustle.  Just wait for me."  

If I am honest, the things He is setting before me aren't necessarily the things I expected.  It reminds me of when the boys come in before dinner to set the table and they ask, "plates or bowls?"  My answer will give them a hint about what we are going to eat but they don't know fully yet.  

I don't know fully yet either.  So I am trying to just sit before the table and allow Him to set it before me.  I need to trust Him to prepare this table before me -- in the presence of my enemies.  And I realized sometimes, "my enemies" are inside my own head. This week I have felt a clear call to find my voice again, to write down my words; and that sends me to a familiar place of self-doubt.  A place where questions begin with "why would you think your words matter?"  "what do you have to say that hasn't been said?" 

I also began a part-time job at our church in the spring.  This is certainly not something I sought out for myself.  I have all kinds of doubts about whether I am able to do this job well and take care of the needs of my family everyday.  My inner dialogue continually berates me for not being more organized and more driven.  Yet, when I look back on how this job came to me its obvious that God chose it for me.  So I need to trust that He has a plan for me in this position for this time.  I need to trust that He has prepared this table before me and I can tell those inner enemy-voices to shush it. 

I certainly do not have it all figured out after a week with less hustle.  I do have a renewed hope that God is able to accomplish what He desires in my life and that He is able to do it in ways that I can't predict. I feel less pressure to get it all done and more peace to trust that He can make a way.  I have less guilt about building quiet and creative time into my day.

honor your pace

So I have carried this post around in my head for weeks.  And I have hesitated to type it up because I didn't want to write another post about running.  Truthfully, its not r-e-a-l-l-y about running, but the half-marathon is the backdrop.  I hope you'll hang with me even if running is the last thing on your agenda.  Ever.  Because I learned something humbling from this half-marathon + I think it might encourage you with whatever goals you set.  

As you know I set out to run a half-marathon in November, I printed a 12 week training plan and followed it pretty closely.  Then 10 weeks in to the training, I got weird + panicky and felt like I should set a finish-time-goal.  As if somehow running 13.1 miles all at once, for the first time ever was not a clear enough goal for myself.  

On race day, I completed my 13.1 miles.  Honestly, it was mostly magical.  Brad snapped this picture as I crossed the finish line.  You can see I was happy.

But this really weird thing happened when I found out my time.  I was a 1 minute 34 seconds behind my goal of finishing in 2 hours + 30 minutes.  And it really bothered me.  So much so that I told nearly everyone that asked me about the half.  This disappointment colored the whole experience.

Its weird to think that I ran 13.1 miles and ended up mad about a minute and thirty-four seconds.  Its like it wasn't good enough.  It got pretty awkward inside my head.  When I reflected on my run, it was so great, lots of joy.  Yet when I thought about my finish time, there was discontent.  I wanted to just move on from it, but God kept urging me to explore this space between the joy + the discontent.

As I prayed, this phrase about 'running well' kept coming to mind.  I knew it was a verse but didn't know where, and I wanted to find the context.

"You were running well.  Who prevented you from obeying the Truth?  This persuasion did not come from the One who calls you."  Galatians 5:7-8 HCSB

In reality, my novice half-marathon training plan didn't have any goal times or speed work. All along I just ran at a pace that was comfortable for me.  My goal was to run a half-marathon, but as race day approached I decided the goal should be to run a half-marathon in under 2 hours + 30 minutes.  It was a mistake.  I only added to the original goal because I thought "all the other runners" had finish-goal-times, and I should too.

As I reflected on this, I realized that we do this kind of thing ALL THE TIME in all different sorts of ways. We add to our goals to somehow make them more measurable -- a way to make ourselves measure up. At times, we even allow the enemy to influence these decisions.

Perhaps we set the goal that we want to eat dinner at home more frequently, so we make the meal plan and the grocery list and we cook three nights in a row.  Maybe the fourth night the brown rice is crunchy and kind of gross.  Rather than celebrate the first three nights, we focus on that dumb rice.  The goal was eating at home more frequently, but then we decide after-the-fact that the goal should've been to cook perfect meals every night.  And our joy withers.

Or maybe we branch out and launch a crafting group.  We plan the activity, we gather supplies, we invite some friends, we set the time.  And two people come.  Rather than celebrate that we took a brave step to host a craft group we feel badly that there were only two people.  The goal was the crafting group, but after-the-fact we decided that goal should've been 7 people showing up.  And we feel a little embarrassed.

We decide that we'll get all caught up on laundry Friday.  As each load finishes, we fold and put away, all day we are ON IT.  Then the littles wake up early from their naps.  So the last load stays in piles all over your bed until you are ready to fall into it at 10 pm.  {Look, 10 pm is late for me!} Rather than celebrate that the hamper is empty we fuss because we should've remembered to finish that load before 10pm.  And we get crabby.

Here's the thing, there isn't anything wrong with setting goals.  And its even OK to set specific, measurable goals.  The problem is when we should ourselves. We edit our goals in a way that leads to discontent even if we accomplish our original goal.  Perhaps the edits would be excellent in shaping our goals for the future, but setting that bar too high, too late can cause us to be hesitant to try again.

So let's stop.

Let's honor our own pace.  Let's accomplish the goals God has set before us, and not be distracted by the goals of those around us. Let's consider what He has called us to, and ask Him how we can bring Him the most glory in getting it done.  Let's stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and look at what He has done.  Let's celebrate the goals we reach as we adjust to reach further. Let's stop shoulding ourselves into places of discontent. Let's kick the joy-stealers to the curb and keep on running well.

things I learned in July

1. I am not a girl that can go for a run with my hair down.  I am pretty certain that I knew this about myself but for some reason I was too lazy to walk upstairs to get a hair tie.  And, oh what a sweaty mess I was after that run.  Seriously.

2.  I am in love with Target's back-to-school commercials.  It's the music that reminds me of my own back-to-school-days.  Cannot take it.

3.  I feel so incredibly small when I try to take pictures of the sky.  It seems like a silly thing, but I tried to photograph this cloud so many times and it didn't even come close to capturing the bigness of it.  {Perhaps if I got out our actual camera instead of my iPhone, I may have gotten closer; but still.  Sky = huge; me = small.}

4. There is a right way to eat chicken and waffles.  At least the manager at Cheddar's thinks so, I followed his instructions and the results were delightful.

5.  You cannot put salt dough snakes outside if you want them to look like snakes a few days later.  Ours are disintegrating a little bit each day.

6.  I feel like I have enough clothes.  I used to be the girl that HAD to flip through the clearance racks - just in case there was something I needed.  I told Brad the other night that I felt like I didn't really need any clothes.  While we strolled along the outside shopping area on date night, I really couldn't come up with any clothing items I needed to look for... although I did try on some shoes at Ross, because, well, shoes.  {I am certain there are many factors that contribute to this; one being that its so hot here in the summer that the last thing I think about is more clothes; and two, I absolutely do not 'browse' at stores while toting around the boys.}

7.  I could be a pool person.  For people that know me well, this is a shocker.  Believe me, it surprised me when I realized it.  I am totally a person that would love to have a pool in our backyard at our next house.  If we live in the South, there is no doubt that I will actually swim in it too.  Or at least dodge splashes from the boys while walking around in it.

8.  Our local foster care office has taken in 56 children in June & July.  Our caseworker told me that its likely even more will come into care once school resumes.  I feel small all over again.

9.  When I feel small, I have a better perspective of God.  He is able, always. 

***
This "things I learned in July" post is a result of an invitation from Emily Freeman to share our little lessons.  Here's what she has to say about it:

"At the end of each month I like to share a few things I’ve learned. Sometimes it’s educational and informative but usually not.

Usually I’ve discovered a quirk I didn’t know I had or a fascinating-to-me celebrity connection. It’s a mishmash of ordinary life stuff, things that may go unnoticed if I didn’t decide to write them down.

Last month I decided to invite you all to share what you learned in June as well – and it was so much fun I decided to ask you to join me every month! You can do that at the bottom of this post."

So I decided to join in on the fun this month.  You can join in too, link up here.  OR if you don't wanna blog about it, why not sure a lesson or two of yours in the comments?  You know you want to!