six!

Y'all this past year had some big growth opportunities!

 Early on in your days of being 5 y'all navigated the loss of a great grandparent.  We saw again how deeply empathetic you are, and the questions you asked about life and death revealed how much you think about things that are hard.  While I was in Michigan and daddy explained about hospice care, Lincoln, you were convinced that we should take grandpa to a different doctor so he could get better.  You couldn't begin to imagine why we weren't trying.  I hope you always have a determined spirit that wants to fight to make things better.

Over the last year, there were many headlines with a phrase that caught your attention - "black lives matter."  We don't shy away from conversations about our different skin colors, so innocently when you heard the newscaster say "black lives matter," Franklin you said, "I am a black life."  And we agreed that you are.  For the next few days you would casually categorize the people around you as a "black life" or a "white life" and as awkward as that felt, it was good for all of us to enter into the conversation.  We talked about the things that make us the same and the things that make us different.  We talked about how sometimes people treat people differently because they are not the same.  You looked at us like that was a crazy thing to do. We hope you'll always be aware of the beauty of the people around you, whether you are the same or not, that you'll recognize the uniqueness of each soul God puts in your path.

You completed pre-K like rock stars, and it feels like so long ago! You did so well in your first "school" environment!

And although it was quite hard on momma's heart you headed off to Kindergarten like you have been ready your whole lives. 

We are so proud of you as you go to school each day - to your separate classes.  While you seem glad to be together at home, you haven't once asked to be in the same class.  You seem to enjoy having space and getting to be your own person.  We are so grateful that you have teachers that love you both so well - and that send the same homework home each week!

Its a joy to hear about how you are doing in your school work, but also as you socialize with your classmates. Now that you are in Kindergarten, you have practiced tornado drills, and fire drills, and even lockdown/intruder drills.  Each of these drills have had follow up conversations at home, and as much as it feels like you are too young for some of these talks, it is also a gift that you come home and want to ask us the hard questions.  We pray that we will always be a safe place for hard questions.

This turning six, it feels like a weird milestone for a momma.  So big, but still so small.  There is a little more letting go, sending you off to grow, and welcoming you home to refresh.  Little increments now, that will continue to ask for more letting go as you grow older.  I sense it now, especially on the days when you try something new.  Like how you were afraid of the ocean at first, but then couldn't stay out of it.  Or when you did the Spartan Race and I worried that it might be too hard, or you might get hurt.  You just go out there with all you have and do your best. We are so proud of you!  We are so glad God made us family.  We pray that you will always seek Him in your life, listening for His voice and following where He leads! Happy happy happy (belated) birthday!  I know SIX is going to be great!

birthday boys!

Once upon a time I was pretty good at math.  But right now, I can't for the life of me figure out how it's possible that y'all are FIVE.  I mean, really.

You continue to be some of the most absurdly adorable kids around.  And I am not even close to the only person that thinks that - although I might think it the most because I am your momma.  Just today, the lady at the front desk at the YMCA gave me bubbles to bring home for y'all.  She was so disappointed that you weren't with me. We never go to the commissary without someone wanting to catch up with y'all. I am not saying y'all are perfect, because we know that is not true.  But you sure do bring some delight with you wherever you go, and you spread it around to anyone that is looking for some. 

    

 Franklin you are a mastermind.  You are constantly thinking.  Sometimes you are trying to figure out wht is for dessert so you know how to approach dinner.  Other times you are wondering about why the wisemen brought Jesus "Franklincense."  You ask a lot of questions about how things work and why things happen the way they do.

You love to help.  Recently you've shown interest in wiping off the table after dinner, and I know Walker is hoping you'll end up taking the job over for him.  You are usually the first to volunteer if Daddy or I ask for help with something, and you generally like to finish a job once you've started -- unless its picking up your own bedroom.

You love your brothers quite fiercely and you'd take their side over anyone else's almost every time.  You really love spending time with your big brothers in their bedrooms.  Its a rare treat for you and its adorable how much you like it.   You like to win, but you don't want to work for it.  We are hoping maybe the feeling of winning will eventually be a motivator for you.

You still love the sweets better than just about anybody else in our family {possibly the world.}  You can still eat them faster than anybody else too.

Lincoln, son you are so sensitive.  And not sensitive in the "oh that hurt my feelings" sort of way, but in the way that means you feel things down deep.  And not only do you feel them, you think about them -- for a long time.  You ask hard questions and you are patient with me when I struggle to give you an answer that satisfies you.  When I had some sad, sad days you would sit close to me to make sure I was OK.  You love your family, and not just the ones that live here.  You love your WHOLE family and you make big plans about us getting ALL together.  You often ask if we are going to "meme's house" or "yaya's house" or "grandma's house" and you never seem quite happy with the answer when we tell you its far far away. 

You are a defender of justice, in big and small ways.  If Franklin doesn't get a treat, you'll split yours in half.  If Wilson shoves Walker you'll run at him full-steam ahead to retaliate.  You like things fair and predictable; which isn't always practical here on earth.  You are pretty fearless most of the time.  You try new things and meet new people.  You are especially brave when Daddy is by your side. 

 You two are absolutely unique in the way God made you.  People still occasionally ask me "which is the bad one?"  This question always makes me wonder What On Earth?  But I almost always answer "depends on the day."  {And honestly, some days my answer should be "me."}

 Occasionaly you "trade" personality traits.  Like in the pictures above, Franklin is being silly in the first one and Lincoln is in the 2nd.  You refuse to be labeled and we don't mind a bit.  We love you both so very much.  Its fun to see you get bigger even when we tell you to stop growing so fast.  You are stuck with us forever and always no matter what.

funners

Wilson, Walker and I ran the Cascade Hills Twilight 5k together for the first time. This was Wilson's first 5k, Walker's third, and my fifth. They have both officially ran faster 5k's than I have.  Wilson blew my first 5k time by over 10 minutes.  I'm still going to take credit for helping with their training. . .but I suspect I might be a liability for them in the speed-department.

My friend, Amber, was kind enough to snap some photos of us and emailed them to me.  WJ and I ran together for the first 3/4 of a mile or so.  He stayed home from school yesterday because he had a low-grade fever.  Brad suggested he just run nice + easy.  He agreed to it.  Until he decided he was just going to go ahead and run his best.

I LOVE the thumbs up here.  Seriously, could that dude be any cuter?

Wilson used the watch for pacing himself.  He knew he wanted to run under 28 minutes.  When we passed each other at the first turn around, he said he was running "an 8-something pace."  So proud of him. He finished in approx. 27:58 min.

He made it look pretty effortless.  When I saw him as we passed one another on the second loop, his form looked perfect.  Unfortunately, he claims it wasn't that fun and doesn't want to run the 10k next week with WJ and I.  It's the one we've been training for since January.  We're hoping he'll change his mind, but we aren't going to force him. 

Walker almost always runs negative-splits -- which means he runs faster as he goes.  He beat his last 5k time by at least 6 minutes, maybe more.  He finished last night right around 31:00 min.

I struggled.  I am choosing to blame it on the fact that I gave blood the day before, but I think it might just be in my head.   Amber's husband circled back and ran part of the last bit with me.  I took a walk break and then both Wilson + Walker came out to meet me.  They were shirtless + adorable; saying encouraging words like, "you've got this!" + "you've got more in you, mom!"  I finished around 38 minutes.  I think that might be tied with my first 5k time or might be slightly slower.

All of our finish times are our best guesses because Brad was doing a lot of chasing during the race.  He is pretty sure his back would've felt better if he had run the 5k rather than wrangled the little dudes (after bedtime, in a crowd).  Amber caught a picture of them trying to make a getaway in the golf cart by the finish line.   All you can do is laugh, right? 

My step-dad commented on facebook that "family runners = funners".  I think so for sure.

The best part about the whole thing was that this benefits the local foster care community.  There were a handful of caseworkers and other employees from the DFCS office and it was awesome to see their delight over the turn out.  A lot of folks brought donations in for the supply closet too.

So even though I didn't run a stellar race, my heart is brimming with joy over the whole thing.  God is so good, and we are so privileged to get to be a part of this church, blessing this community.

birthday boys!

I just read you "Oh the Places You'll Go" before your nap time.  It's a favorite of mine on birthdays.  You'll see. 

It's hard to believe you are already three.

You are both so independent.  You like to let us know your opinions. Often.

Franklin, you are two minutes older than Lincoln - I'm guessing one day you'll rub that in.  You can be a serious snuggle-bug when you are in the mood.  You love to listen to books being read to you.

You are still a-bit-picky when it comes to trying new foods, but you generally give it your best shot {often including dramatic gagging}.  You are definitely motivated by sweets and would likely eat sweets exclusively if that were an option.  You l-o-v-e to go.  All out.

Lincoln, you are our youngest {for now}, although its not easy to tell.  You like new adventures and you are generally eager to greet anyone that is kind to you.  You flash your smile and melt hearts immediately.

You love to sing along to whatever songs you hear - although there are times you put in requests for specific favorites too.  You l-o-v-e to be outside.  You would be out there all-day-every-day if we let you.

The two of you together are each others' biggest fans.  One of my favorite parts of the day is when you are both awake giggling at each other behind your closed door.  Your delight in one another is just so obvious.  You sometimes do these silly little chants that no one understands but the two of you.

You have branched out to different classes at church and you are thriving in your own space.  But you do love seeing one another again afterwards.  It's almost too adorable.

I keep catching myself all teary-eyed today because I am just so blessed to be your momma.  I have lots of big thoughts about your birth momma today too.  I can't figure out a way to put those thoughts into words, other than that I am so so grateful that she gave you boys your birthday. 

simple advent

Advent has begun! And I r-e-a-l-l-y just wanted to tell you about what we are doing this year... mostly because its low-key yet our guys love it.  None of these are original ideas of my own, just things pieced together to work for us. We do a pretty basic advent countdown calendar.  We hung our bags up Saturday night and the boys were quite delighted to find them.  Each bag has a sweet treat {usually a piece of candy for each boy}, an advent Scripture passage, and an activity.  The activities are generally things we do each December anyway but its more exciting when its in a bag I guess.  {Examples: Watch Rudolph, Go see lights at Calloway, Drive to Michigan, etc}

I wanted to tell you about it, though, because this year we also added a reading from the Jesus Storybook bible and we are loving it. 

We had the best discussion this morning at breakfast about how mind-boggling it is to think about "the beginning."  Such sweet treasure!  

As you can see, I used markers to number our bags, and randomly cut pieces of construction paper to write the details on.  You don't need to go all out or get crazy fancy.  {Or you totally can if you want to; but I want to assure those of you that feel behind that it is SO NOT about the level of fanciness!  I promise your kiddos will not care a bit.  Not a single boy murmured a word about me not using cute-scrapbook-paper for the numbers!}  You won't see a pin on Pinterest of these paper bags and that's ok.  This is just a simple way for us to slow down and connect each morning in December and help build the anticipation of our coming King.  If you don't have bags, use envelopes!  Or just put it on the counter in the morning.  Whatever! 

If you have The Jesus Storybook Bible it'll be easy to jump in today.  Click here for the list of readings. And guess what?  I just found out there is a printable there if you just want to print off the list.  Bonus!  {If you don't have The Jesus Storybook Bible you might want to add it to your Christmas list.  It is beautiful.}

If you want to read the other scriptures we are using this year, I found them right here.  I am sure there a bunch of places you can find advent readings.

This is really just for those of you that were hoping to do something for Advent this year but didn't get it together yet.  You can make it simple.  You can make it work for your family.  It doesn't have to win craft awards or be pin-worthy.  Keep it simple and enjoy your kiddos.  I promise you won't regret it. 

summer

We are exactly one week out from the first day of school.

Oh, and this is Wilson's last year of elementary school {if God keeps us in the area}.  Tears have been shed over this.  {Wilson has already stated that he prefers if I do NOT accompany him to his classroom on the first day of school.}

This summer has just been a sweet gift.  Perfect?  No.  But just extraordinarily pleasant.  I think it helps that last summer was pretty much exactly the opposite.  I knew it was hard then, heavy and lonely and just plain exhausting.

I really didn't know what to expect of this summer.  I made a sketchy-plan (sketchy = pencil lines; not sketchy = shady characters).  I tried to be a bit more intentional with some things that I let slide last year.  I begged God to make this time sweet.  And He did.  More so than I could have imagined.

When you open your hands to offer to God what you have, it is thrilling to watch Him fill them back up with the most lovely gifts.  He did this over and over throughout these summer days.

If I am honest, I don't want it to end.

I like the little rhythm we created these lazy summer days.  I even like the extra messes from exploring new things.

In looking at the snapshots, I am reminded that He gives good gifts...in His time.  It would be silly to not expect Him to be able to do the same as the school year begins.

I am trying to be deliberate with these last few lazy days, soaking up the precious time.

I am also asking God to help me pry my hands open to offer this school year to Him.  I know He will fill it with better things than I can imagine.  If only I wait for Him and trust His wisdom.

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."  Psalm 84 11

from Sara Groves, "Open My Hands".

ten!

All the cliches about how fast time flies seriously don't really capture it. 

Unbelievable.  Truly.

Here you are, ten years old.  I am ever impressed with the person you are becoming.  I rarely catch glimpses of "baby-Wilson" anymore, rather every once in awhile I catch a glimpse of the man you are becoming.  As your mother, it makes me both proud and terrified.

I still can't believe we let you play tackle football last year.  You ran onto that field fearless...oblivious to the size discrepancies between you and 90% of the other players.  You worked hard.  At practice and at games.  I think I knew this before but you proved it during football.  You have no quit in you.

School was a little bit tougher this year, not the work so much as the environment.  I know it wasn't always easy.  The thing that impressed me though, was that you were able to make the best of it anyway.   You came up with some of the sweetest adjectives to describe your teacher and I know you meant it.  It is a gift to be able to accept the way things are, then to go a step further and make things the best they can be.  You go a step further every chance you get.

I know God has wired you uniquely.  I pray you will always strive to be true to the way He wired you - especially when your wiring seems different than most.   I appreciate your ability to empathize with others.  When your little brothers are bothered by something, you quickly try and come up with a solution for them - and when there is no solution to be found, you offer your comfort.  It is always a joy to watch this happen, even if maybe you shouldn't be offering comfort to someone in time-out. 

Happy birthday bud, I pray great things for the year ahead.  Even if we end up moving to Africa...God is the one that is preparing the next place for us.  

out of the blue

I have just a little special moment to share with you. 

Maybe it struck me as so special because last summer was just so hard.  Lots of little illnesses, combined with a heart-wrenching trial, all while becoming a family of 6 but waiting for the courts to make it official.  Hard summer days.

So this summer has just held a whole lot of joy in the middle of little regular moments, like boys splashing in our tiny pool while I blow bubbles.  Special treasure.

This morning, though, I got a little extra treasure out of the blue.   As Wilson & Walker and I discussed what to pack for "Camp Barbie" we also talked about how many days they would be away. 

I told the them that I wasn't sure if they would be back on Tuesday or Wednesday.  Walker said, "Well, I hope it will be Thursday."  Wilson replied, "Thursday is my birthday."

Then Wilson adds the little extra nugget of treasure.

"And as fun as it would be to celebrate my birthday at Mrs. Barbie's house, I would like to have my little brothers there."

And I almost cried.  It is so fun to glimpse the beauty God creates.

I'm sharing this post today as part of a link up at Chasing Blue Skies.  Its a fun way to reflect on a little special blessing that God brings you right out of the blue!  You can join in here!

outside

"Outside?"

"Outside?!"

"O U T S I D E !!!"

I hear this repeated daily.  x2.  The plea to go outside.  Franklin & Lincoln are always desperate to be outside.  Generally, I am happy to oblige.  Everyone is happier if we spend time outside.  Even if its pushing 90 with high humidity.

While home in Michigan, it was fun to see our little nephews clamoring to go outside too.  Breeze would fiddle with the door until he earned his freedom; and both Wesson & Brecken were thrilled to get outdoors too.  Branden even showed us a "trick" with Brecken... if he was fussing and Branden stepped towards the door to go outside, the fussing would let up... if he backed away from the door it started back up.  That little boy wanted O-U-T.

The light is brighter there.  The colors more vivid.  There is such a variety of textures to experience.  Sounds are layered upon one another from near and far.  All of the little guys knew there was much to be explored outside.

So we let them explore. 

We all start out as explorers, don't we? 

Like Lincoln and Franklin, we use to crave that outdoor time, didn't we?

Somewhere along the way most of us begin to prefer indoors to outdoors.  We like a comfortable climate.  We like to control our entertainment choices.  We like what the walls and doors keep out. We don't mind the view from the window, but its handy that we can block that off too; you know, for privacy and comfort.

Before you know it, we are all comfortable in our little houses.  Cradling our little devices, playing games or watching shows.  So far from the outside that we might even get sucked in to a program about the outside.

We stop exploring.  We settle for near and familiar and comfortable.

I don't want to settle.

I want to begin my days pleading with my Father for "outside!"  Out from the near and the familiar and the comfortable.  I want to explore this world at this time and all the beautiful people I share it with right now.  I want to be childlike in my desires for the brighter light and the vivid colors, for the varied textures and layered sounds.  

I want to be barefoot and walk through the grass, even if it means occasionally stepping on a rock (or worse).  I want to feel the breeze that moves the tree branches and marvel at its refreshment with my sons and neighbors.


This isn't a new song, but the album was new to us on our road trip, so we listened to it many times.  As I ponder this inside/outside issue, this song repeatedly pops into my head. 


The Outsiders by NEEDTOBREATHE.

seven

I've got a little bit of a love/hate thing going with these birthdays of yours, WJ.

Mostly because they're all... 

--b l i n k --

and then

BOOM!!

I mean, for real, with the whitewater rafting?  You couldn't even pretend to be a little bit scared so momma could've busted out some of my baby-Walker-soothing-techniques?  Daddy said you were "fearless."  And I think that word sums you up quite well, son.  I am so incredibly proud of you.  Six was such a super year for you.  You continue to light up the hallways at school and I have yet to meet someone that works there that doesn't adore you.

You do your own thing.  And you do it well.  You know what you like, you know what you dislike - but you are usually willing to give new things a try before deciding.  THAT is an awesome trait.

You are cute, you are smart, you have an incredible sense of humor, but most importantly you love well.  You always reassure me that you love me.  I don't think there is a day that goes by without you telling me so.  I treasure it each time...even if you don't really know that I do. You bravely prayed some prayers during this past year.  When I asked you to, you would pray "that momma wouldn't lose her temper,"  and sometimes you even prayed it when I didn't ask.  I love to see you stepping into your relationship with Jesus on your own - asking Him about things that matter to you because you know He hears each time.

Believe it or not.  You teach me.  So much.  I am looking forward to seeing what lessons I'll learn with you during the year of seven.

I hope you'll keep dancing in Kids' World worship even as more of your classmates decide they don't want to anymore.  I pray you'll rock 2nd grade just as hard as you did 1st grade.  I trust you'll become an even more awesome big brother this year (although, man, you totally owned that role this year!)  I expect that you will begin to grasp more and more just how deeply God loves you and begin glimpsing the goodness of the plans He has for you.  They are good and they are just for you.  No one can do what God has planned for you - except YOU!  Remember:

God created you exactly the way He intended to Walker J.  You are delight to Him and to all that know you (even Wilson although he may not admit that for a few years [or decades, maybe])

Happy Birthday Walker J!  Daddy and I are so proud of you!

my arm is not that long

More lessons from the road trip.

We made a HUGE mistake by packing a little bin of toys for the youngest two - in their line of sight for the car trip.  Lincoln and Franklin would take turns requesting a toy from the bin.  I would grab what they asked for and hand it to them.  Then the toy would inevitably drop (or be thrown?) and wailing would ensue, followed by dramatic, frantic, repetitive requests for the dropped item.  I would then have to twist my body around into all sorts of fantastic contortions to try and find the dropped item.  Patting the floor with my hand in places where my eyes couldn't reach.  This was all kinds of fun.  There were a few times that I couldn't reach the item no matter how much stretching & twisting I did.  I would have to say, "I'm sorry but Mommy can't reach it."  Cue more emphatic wailing.  Awesome, I tell you.  This little scenario played out at least 67 times the first two days on the road.  By day three, we were smart enough to pack that bin in the back of the van.  Genuis!

On the way home there was a similar bit of this scenario cropping up.  We streamlined the number of Lincoln & Franklin items up front, but we had to keep the monsters and blankets - they are critical for sleeping.

See? Absolutely critical.

Of course, when its not sleepy-time its thrash-those-blankets-around-time.  I finally just started replying to the wailing with "My arm is not that long."  No more twisting or contorting - just fact.  My arm is not that long. Who can argue with that?

After issuing this statement a few times, I settled in to the front seat feeling rather proud of my declaration of arm length.  Watching the fields whirl past, listening to my favorite music, just grateful to be rolling along with my guys - a thought took shape.  I remembered that time in the Bible when God made a declaration about the length of His arm.

"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear." -Isaiah 59:1

I love this declarative statement of fact.  Who can argue with that?  

Unlike my arm that couldn't reach the toys that had been tossed around, nothing is out of God's reach.  Furthermore, He never 'accidentally' puts things in our view and then gets frustrated because we keep asking for them/throwing them/dropping them etc.  He makes no mistakes.  He doesn't dangle things in front of us only to make us squirm.  He would love if we would boldly ask for His help.  Often.  Not unlike Lincoln and Franklin - repeatedly and with expectation.  His arm is not too short.  Ever.

things we've learned

It's day two of our road trip. I'm sitting on the floor of the laundry room of our hotel. There's a random chunk of leather belt and a few discarded dryer sheets kicking it with me. Brad's in the room convincing four boys that now is a great time to sleep. I'm not sure who has the better deal at the moment. Thought I'd use some of the dryer-cycle-time to tell you some of the things we've learned thus far. 

1- if Lincoln sucks air in and out of an empty juice box rapidly for a minute (or two?), he's going to get an upset stomach.

2- if you get back on the road after juice box incident (see #1), and Lincoln repeatedly says, "Ima fro up", he means it.

3- you can never pack too many changes of clothes for toddlers 

4- Franklin has a mild case of claustrophobia, he did not want to walk under any rock formations (or next to tall ones) at Rock City

5- the upside of misty rain while visiting Lookout mountain is that you really understand the phrase "the battle above the clouds" 

6- Walker has a daily photo limit, once reached he will opt out of all family photos; if he is forced in, you'll know it

7- Ruby Falls is a one hour (+) walking tour underground; Lincoln and Franklin were polar opposites.  I carried Franklin (see #4), Lincoln however would have preferred free reign of the cave and wanted nothing to do with holding hands or waiting for people ahead of us. He let his preference for freedom be known through much wailing and gnashing of teeth. 

8- I can't get over the preciousness of the boys sharing beds; Wilson + Lincoln and Walker + Franklin. Nobody fell out of bed last night and I'm hopeful for an equally successful night tonight. Wilson did get crowded out and ended up switching sides with Lincoln last night :)

9- We had some diaper leakage today - see #3

10- I've already laughed so hard that I nearly cried more times than I can remember. I think it bodes well for the rest of the trip. 

Lincoln's face in this picture pretty much captures his entire Ruby Falls experience. 

the hair dryer

This motherhood thing is a challenge.  Just when you think you are getting a part figured out, your kids grow and there are new parts.  The learning curve tends to fall heavily on the firstborn.  God bless him.

He's not a fan of me taking his picture, and really dislikes it when I post pictures... although, if I tell him "your grandparents" will want to see this, he usually relents.  But with that look on his face.  I see that look more and more.  I recognize it.  I think I could've won medals for giving that look so frequently and effortlessly.

Last night, I watched Frankie Heck burst into tears at Axel's graduation and I could've jumped right in the screen with her.

It all happens so fast.

I know Wil isn't graduating yet (thank you Jesus!), but he is just growing so much.  And so often this mother heart wonders if I haven't just messed it all up for him.  There's this crazy part that thinks somehow my mistakes will surpass God's grace, you know?

But God is good.  And in His goodness, He gives these little gifts.

The one I am savoring right now involves my hair dryer.  And the boy that wants to grow his hair out.

We've decided its OK for him to grow his hair out.  We would love if he actually cared what it looks like when he leaves the house.  Maybe that will happen one day?  We've threatened to cut it if he doesn't start combing it BEFORE we tell him too.  The loophole here is that he gets it wet, and combs 25% of it.  Its still a mess but obvious that he made an effort... be it a really small effort.  The hair.  [I can't help but wonder if these hair-hassles might be some sort of preparation for a girl to join our ranks.]  Its an ongoing thing.  And fairly annoying.

Maybe it was the night before the baby dedication?  I don't remember for sure.  I decided to blow dry Wil's hair before bed.  All the way.  The next morning, it still looked good.

So for the last week or so, Wil and I have a few moments for me to run my fingers through his hair and wave a hair dryer at his head.  We made a little hand gesture for him to use so I can give him a cool shot if it gets too hot.  We don't talk, I turn him around this way and that.

I marvel at how big he is.  I wonder at how this once tiny head that I cradled in my hands is so full of this hair.
And ideas.
And dreams.

God has given me these moments with him and my hair dryer.  They are treasure.

Oh the things we mothers carry close in our hearts. 

p.s. yes, I did get carried away with picmonkey when editing the photo. ;)  I imagine Wilson will quickly greet this post with that look.  God bless him.

twin lessons

I think I can keep these short.  Lincoln & Franklin have taught me two distinct lessons over the course of the last 10 days or so.  God is so good to speak to us through our children's behavior.

First up.

I took four boys to a brand new playground a week ago Friday.  I think half of Columbus was there.  I was chasing toddlers, wrangling that free-spirited first grader, and being a tad-too-bossy to the big helper.  It was stressful because there were tons of adults along the perimeter of the playground but I was never standing still long enough to notice the children with each adult - thus leaving that sense of fear that one of the adults might be a creepy-freak.  So we were in constant motion the. whole. time.  I kept telling Lincoln & Franklin that we had to stay together because there were "so many kids."  After a final warning, Lincoln ran off as fast as his little legs would carry him (under the bridge part that is most awkward for me to follow, of course).  When I caught up to him I told him we had to leave because he ran off and there were "so many kids" that it was hard for me to watch him.  He was devastated.  Big sad tears.  He said, "sorry mommy!"  And I forgave him and gave him kisses as I buckled him into his carseat.

I decided we would grab Chick-Fil-A to bring home for dinner, so we headed that way.  Lincoln said, "sorry mommy" again, in that sad voice.  I told him again that I forgave him.  He then looked out the window and said, "so many kids."  I'm not exaggerating, we repeated this conversation at least 6 more times.  "sorry mommy"  "so many kids"  He just kept repeating it. 

He wasn't understanding that I forgave him because his circumstance wasn't changing.

How many times have I puzzled over a past mistake, bringing it up over and over to my Father because the hurt was still there?  Yes, I screwed up.  But He forgave me.  Sometimes I forget to receive that forgiveness.  Do you ever find yourself on repeat when your circumstances still reflect a bad choice?

"As far as east is from west - that’s how far God has removed our sin from us." Psalm 103:12

Second lesson.

Yesterday we took Muskoka to the groomer.  Big girl had been dealing with some seriously bad hair for weeks.  Lincoln & Franklin had never dropped Muskoka off at the groomer before, so it was all new.  When I told them we were taking her to get her hair cut, they asked if she would get the "phone" to play with {they have a special hair cut toy, reserved for hair cuts only}.  I told them that Mussy can't play with the phone.  I told them that we would leave her there to get her haircut because it takes a really long time.  I didn't want them to be surprised when we left her.  We repeated this entire conversation quite a few times before it was finally time to take her.  It was a trip trying to get the 80-pound-spaz through the door with the double stroller.  Of course, she hid behind me while we waited our turn to get checked in.  I tried to turn the stroller so Lincoln & Franklin could see some of the other dogs getting their hair cut and explained how they stand on the table. 

The groomer took Muskoka and Franklin started saying, "Watch.  Haircut.  Watch."  I told him that her haircut takes a really long time and that they would call Daddy when she was done and he'd bring her home. 
"Koka?" 
"Haircut?"
"Watch?" 
Each question was slightly more frantic than the one before.  Both boys were asking in very nervous voices.  I repeated the conversation piece from earlier in the day.  I reminded them that we had talked about it earlier and that her haircut takes a long time.  By the time they were both buckled in, I thought they understood.  As we merged on to the highway, Lincoln said, "Koka?  Haircut?"  I repeated my part.  A little further down the road, Franklin says, "Koka?  Haircut?" I repeated my part.

Now I have to tell you this...  the tenderness in their voices as they asked, kept me from getting irritated with repeating my part.  They were genuinely concerned and I was trying my best to reassure them.  Over and over again.  As many times as they needed to hear it.  They eventually both fell asleep on the way.  When I was carrying Lincoln up to his crib, he woke up and said, "Koka? Koka?"  I whispered, "Daddy will bring her home."

It didn't matter how many times I told them how things were going to unfold.  They weren't grasping it.  They were focused on what they saw happen, we left Koka.  Their little minds couldn't wrap around the idea that Daddy was going to bring her home...even though I clearly communicated that many times.

How often do I struggle with the Truth that I have heard over and over because I am focused on what I see happen right in front of me?  How often does my little mind get tripped up in that space between my reality and God's Truth because I can't figure out how the two will come together?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  Proverbs 3:5

one thing :: mothering

I meant to write a post about my New' Year's Goal.  Like 5 weeks ago.  But you know, better late than never.  It might be that I was a little nervous about this one.  Its a humbling endeavor to invite others in to see how you are doing on a big goal.  But I figure you are a safe bunch and besides God led me to the goal, so I imagine His work will be evident.  Everyone likes a show, right?

The Sunday after Christmas we were driving across the lovely state of Michigan to celebrate Christmas one more time.  We planned on streaming our church's sermon but it wasn't cooperating, so we listened to the one from North Point Community Church (Andy Stanley's church).  Well, it turns out that their whole church shuts down on the last Sunday of the year so it was a re-play of last year's New Year's sermon.  In the sermon, Stanley suggested you focus on one thing for the New Year.  Not ten things, not five things, one thing.  As he spoke, he said, "I bet you already have an idea of what that one thing is."  And he was right.  I knew.

Mothering.

The way I mother, needs improving.  God knows it.  I know it.  My kids know it.  That was my one thing.  I wanted a word to go with it.  A focus.  One word to say in a nutshell how I'd like to view my mothering at this time next year.  This is where it gets a little embarrassing, maybe.  I thought of calm, then I thought steady, and as I pondered more, I was led to "unflappable."

That feels audacious to me.  That God could mold my mothering skill-set into something unflappable in twelve months time.  Because if I'm being honest with you, I am super flappable.  Super. Flappable.  Hello, my name is "easily flapped."  You know what I am saying?

I have a short fuse.  And two toddlers.  That combination isn't lovely very often.  Not to fear, my ugliness has been evenly distributed to each of the boys.  Bless them.  I am ever grateful for the words, "I'm sorry,"  and for their patient, forgiving hearts.  But deep in my soul, I knew this was the place where I needed to invite God in to do the work.  

I think it took me more than a week before I could admit that "unflappable" was my word.  I was still finishing reading "Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions" by Lysa Terkeurst and wondering about buying "Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breath" by Sarah Mae + Sally Clarkson.  How do you proclaim unflappable in that place?  And God keeps reminding me, its not really about me, its really about Him.  He is faithful.  Even to the easily flapped.  He is.  Always.

He led me to the scripture in the picture above.  Its the kind of unflappable I want to be. I want to be like a tree planted by streams of water.  Nourished by roots that run deep, without fear of heat or drought.  The kind of tree that can still be green and produce fruit even in adverse circumstances. 

Not too long ago, Brad was telling us about more of Andy Stanley's podcast series for 2013's New Year called Breathing Room.  Brad was explaining "margin" to the boys and telling them how important it is to have it in your life.  I gave Walker an example of when we left a little late for his basketball game and how if we had left earlier we would've had "margin."  We wouldn't have been watching the clock all the way to the game to see if he would make it on time.  You could see that he understood the concept with that illustration.

He then looks at me, with that sweet, little face and says, "I know where you need to add margin, mom!"  

"Oh, where do you think?" I ask, rather curious.

He points his index finger up as he declares his brilliant suggestion, "Your temper!  You know because you always lose your temper!"

Ouch!  And that is when I shared "unflappable" with the boys.  And I wasn't angry about it.  Humbled, yes.  Angry, no.  It was actually pretty fun to let them in on it.  I think they were pretty happy to hear it too.

I'm certain God is going to do a great work.  As embarassing as it is to admit the work needs to be done, its at least doubly freeing to stop trying hide it.

There is nothing out of God's scope of possible.  There is not one thing that He would say, "oh, well that, no, that is a little too much to try and improve."  Not. One. Thing.

Do you have a thing?  If you didn't make a new year's goal, has this got you thinking about making one?  I'd be happy to pray with you about your one thing.  And I'd be honored if you'd pray for me throughout this year!

"Blessed is the man who trusts the Lord, and whose trust is the Lord.  For he will be like a tree planted by streams of water, that extends its roots by a stream, and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

*photo credit :: Scott Harding circa 2005, Algonquin Provincial Park

birthday boys!

Sweet, sweet boys. You are TWO! TWO! I had to say it twice because that's how shocking it is to me. The other day at Kohl's I said to your daddy, "I just wanna look at the baby clearance really quick." And he asked, "Why do you need to look at baby stuff?" I told him, just to see if there were any deals for the two of you. And you know what your daddy said to me? He said, "Well, I wouldn't call them babies!" What? I might still call you babies for awhile. Ok?

You two are just about as cute as can be for birthday boys.  You were truly delighted with your birthday shirts and banner.  The hats were a little on the annoying side - especially when the elastic got snapped - ouch!

Sweet Lincoln, you had to sneak a sample of the frosting before we could sing to you.  You are a seize-the-day kinda guy through and through.  You like to go, go, go and nine-times-out-of-ten you are thrilled with every, single, person that speaks to you.  Your laugh is contagious and you can easily get all of us laughing along with you with very little effort.  You love to give kisses to your family and toys alike... you even ask mommy & daddy to kiss some of your crib-mates.  Daddy isn't such a fan of this practice, but I don't think monkey, manatee, or your monster mind.  Your vocabulary is growing each day, especially words that name food or candy that you like.  And if we are having a hard time figuring out your new words, you say it slowly and loudly and you stare right at our faces.  You are determined.  Adorably so.

{momma has no clue what is up with the photo layout here}

You two were so cute with your cupcakes, intrigued that you both had two lit candles in front of you.  Within reach!  You did an excellent job blowing out your candles and an outstanding job eating those cupcakes!  Wilson did do some coaching alongside you.

You did really well unwrapping your presents... of course, you just had all that practice at Christmas.  Your big brothers "wrapped" your presents for you.  You didn't seem to mind the imperfections. 

Franklin, your sweetness is just pure sugar some days.  You are often "the shy one" but usually not after we tell people that.  You make some of THE funniest faces in the world.  And at just the right time.  Seriously, I think you have a great sense of humor even at age two, you seem to know just-the-right-time to say just-the-right-thing (or make just-the-right face).  You like to snuggle just a smidge more than Lincoln does and you have occasionally used this to your advantage at bed time.  Speaking of bedtime, your growing vocabulary is always evident right before bed.  You ask to "rock" or to snuggle on the "couch" or "pray" or "book" or I think last night you said, "song?"  You keep naming things until one hits the mark and pushes your bedtime back a few moments.  You are a smartie.  An adorable smartie.

I love this picture of all four of you playing with the new easel (and Mussy-ko-ko in the background).  This birthday has been so spectacular for us.  I know you won't remember a whole lot of it, but I think I am going to remember it for you.  Just a year ago, yesterday, we first met.  There were so many unknowns then.  Truthfully, the future always holds unknowns.  Thinking back to last year, I can remember so much of that day.  The excitement, the nervousness, the joy... it really isn't that different than when Wilson was born and I held him the first time.  I felt like I had no idea how to be a momma, but I was excited and nervous and joyful.  My heart grows fuller, babies, because of the blessings God has given us through the two of you.  {Yes, I said, babies!}  It has been a beautiful year of growing with you and I am thrilled to see what He has in store in the year to come.  God has answered our prayers in so many marvelous ways.  I trust He has good things in store for our family; just-right-things for us, for right-now.

"And Jesus answered saying to them:: Have faith in God.  Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'be taken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him.  Therefore, I say to you, all things which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."  Mark 11:22-24